Fear of rejection can motivate us in our relationships in some pretty unhealthy ways. Some of behaviors that relate to my fear of rejection include:
...being easily manipulated
...being hypersensitive to criticism
...being defensive
...reacting strongly when others disagree
...allowing only superficial relationships
...exhibiting shyness
...being passive
...depression
Yes unfortunately I have done all of these at one time or another. I wish I could say that it has only happened once or twice but that would be an exaggeration. I know I keep coming back to this subject of approval, but I believe it is more prevelant in our society than we care to believe.
We cover it up, masking it with our successes and prosperity. Yet if we stop long enough, we find that the masks intended to keep us safe from rejection and disapproval, are flimsy, penetrable shields that do nothing to protect us from the emotional pain of rejection.
Much of what I am learning comes from the time I have spent with a trusted counselor, dear mentor and a study I am experiencing in the book titled "The Search For Significance." All of these combined keep driving home the truth about who I am behind the protective soul gear that I wear.
Unfortunately this fear of rejection has manipulated me and I have used it in turn to manipulate others. It really is quit ugly. No wonder, it never does anything for relationships. I use manipulation to control the outcomes of situations and behaviors of people.
We alienate people, defend our positions, bully our way through problems and praise folks in order to help us make our goals. James 4 talks about this in detail. James states "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? (ie like my need for acceptance) You want something but don't get it (yep those strokes and cu dos don't come often enough to suit me) You kill and covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (Italics mine)
Whoa...If I could go back to many of the fights I have had over the years in order to find the real root of the quarrels, I venture to guess that much of it would be from my addiction for approval.
I want to become the friend that seeks others good instead of my goals. I want to linger in conversations and really ask myself "What am I trying to accomplish? Is this for their good?" I long to communicate genuine, heartfelt appreciation for others instead of the counterfeit praise that rolls off my lips too easily. Christ's sacrifice deems all people as worthy. I want to be able to lock eyes with God's children and see the very ones He moved heaven and earth for...kids just like me. Then just maybe I'll begin to live in the words of Paul..."Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others."
Tomorrow I'll tell you of stories of one of the women in my life who loved me in deep ways. I have a rich heritage of people who have poured into me all that God has given them. Can't wait to share it.
Until then,
Cathy
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