Sabbatical Day 105...

...or Day 29 of the One Month To Live Experiment.

Today started late because of a late night reunion with Lauren. She returned from an out-of-town excursion with her dear friend Kate. It is amazing to see your youngest grow up into a young woman, full of adventure and confidence in the Lord. Yes she did come back with another piercing. However, in light of my One Month To Live Experiment it just didn't matter. :0) How could Lauren be so lucky. LOL

This morning I hung out in Ephesians 1 and Isaiah 30. Here are a only a few thoughts I want to share. Isaiah 30:15 says, "... In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." This rocked my soul. You see before my sabbatical I was living in the last half of this verse. Even though my soul cried out for salvation and strength, I was not allowing myself rest or quietness in order to move towards repentance and trust; I lived in the "but you would have none of it" mode.

Now that isn't what I would have called it at the time. I would have said things like, "I am too busy. I don't have a choice. This is expected of me. I must get this done. I'll take time next week." When confronted, I also would have been thinking to myself, "How dare they. Who do they think they are? They must think that I am a slacker Christian." But when God says those words it hurts and quit honestly is somewhat scary.

Today I see the pride that kept me from experiencing the salvation and strength that are mine as a result of God's love and mercy. Over the remaining time of my sabbatical, I want to create and practice a lifestyle of rest and quietness. I believe I will be productive and at times busy. However, the mode of my production will be from a soul that is quietly resting in my Papa's embrace. There I will find His strength and salvation for each moment of my day. There I will hear from Him.

In Isaiah 30:21 we see these words, "Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice saying, 'This is the way; walk in it." Those are the words I want to guide me. I want to follow the words from my Papa when He says, "Here is the light for your path; walk this way.... follow me... come back this way... U TURN NOW!"

So for day 29 of my experiment, I am giving my attention to the Father, listening for His voice behind me that is saying, "come on, walk this way." He will lead me in the right way every time. It will be the way of love, peace, joy, kindness... It will be the way that builds others up and encourages them. It will be the journey with road signs posting "I love you" all along the way.

Living my one and only life loved,
Cathy

Sabbatical Day 104 Delivered from all fear

Fear and worry can overwhelm our days, keeping us trapped. We worry about the economy, the war, possible illness, our kids, our spouses, what people may think of us; this list can go on forever. Worries and fear rob us of our God-given destiny. It robs us of adventure. It robs us of the blessing of stepping out in faith, letting down our nets. It robs us of growth as people.

I am sure that I don't even know the full extent of how fear has kept me from moving forward. In some quiet moments with God, He has begun to reveal the lost moments as a result of fear. Generally, fear that has kept me from experiencing the fullness of life has been worrying about what people think. This realization has brought about a resolve to not allow fear to steal from me anymore.

Psalm 34:4-5 says, 'I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Seeking God is the first step to being delivered from our fears. Wanting Him, delighting in Him, being at home with Him, kicking off our shoes and hanging out together in deep communion is the place where deliverance begins and is maintained. This requires time; uninterrupted time

You don't know how much I wish everyone could have the privilege of extended time with God. I wish we could come to a place of trust and security stepping outside of culture's grip in order to live abundantly with our Lord. What radical steps or even small steps could we take in order to sit with God for 15 minutes? What could I stop doing in order to spend moments talking to God, in His Word, or meditating during a sunset? How could I go to the center of my soul with God in order to love completely and live passionately for Him? I believe this is where we are to be.

If you and I knew we only had 30 days to live, we would abandon our fears, leaving them behind. We would passionately take on the next 30 days living in our priorities, not just saying they are our priorities. There would be peace, joy, love and all the other spiritual gifts God has for us; we would share them with everyone we knew. We would share Him with everyone. Relationships would be our first priority.

I am taking on the challenge to live the next 30 days as if it is my last 30 days on earth. I will be posting about this. If you would like to join me in this challenge please let me know through a comment or email me. Let's live abundantly.

Papa help us to really take this challenge seriously. We want to be changed and transformed by your help during the next 30 days, living in the abundance of your love and giving it away to everyone we can. Show us how. We need your help.

Living life loved,
Cathy

Sabbatical Day 100

Why is identity so hard to find? Humans have to be the only beings in creation who find it difficult to live within their identity. I mean you don't see a fish trying to be a dog. Or a tulip trying to become a tree. Neither do we see the moon trying to be the earth. Everything in creation lives within it's specific identity. As a result, creation brings God glory.

We humans on the other hand, well we fall short of living in the center of our identity. We look to people, positions, roles, power and possessions all to define us. What we rarely understand is that our identity comes from the One who created us. Likewise, our greatest moments of contentment will be experienced as we live out our identity. It is a rare individual who understands themselves and is deeply secure. There is something very contagious about a soul who can be themselves without comparison, competition, jealousy or envy.

Interestingly enough, I believe when we seek God with all our hearts, our identity begins to fall into place. He restores the missing links in each of us; those links that we have been looking for in all the wrong places. But as we grow in our intimacy and relationship with the Father, we find our true selves emerging into the present. Our weakness does not bother us nearly as much because God loved us all along. Humility forms as a result of truly understanding that our strengths are really gifts from God and we didn't do one thing to get them. Living in our God-given identity is the best gift we can give back to our Lord.

May we not settle for pretense, or for the mask that we easily wear in front of people. I hope to fully remove the mask as I learn what is hiding behind it. I have a feeling I will like my true self far more than the mask. I have a feeling it will be easier to live in this true identity than with the mask. Positioning, defending, judging... will all come off with the mask.

Romans 6 tells us that the old self (mask) is put to death when we receive Christ into our life and that a new life begins. This new life is the life that we were always meant to live. It is our true identity. Let's embrace this transformation and follow Christ, becoming devoted more and more each day to Him.

Sabbatical Day 99 Freedom

What a day! Jesus met me in counseling. The pain is still deep. Yet, I know the Lord is at work. All of this time away from work has given me opportunity to really process my past, present and shed light on the future. Through the words of a trusted counselor I became acutely aware of my pain. I have never felt valued or of worth for who I am. Thus I have tried, without success, to define my value and worth through what I could do and how others see me.

I don't know even how to begin to explain this pain and the defenses I use to shield myself from further pain. Seeking validation from others and in what I do is exhausting. Pleasing others, not out of motivation to serve, but out of neediness to be recognized sickens me. But it is the truth about who I have been.

My counselor said it so well. We all want others to like us; to be pleased with us. But eventually there comes a time when we recognize that even though we want that, we don't need it; our value is in Christ and His love on the the cross. Every day I must place the needy Cathy at the foot of the cross. From that vantage point as I visualize her kneeling, I hear Jesus telling her she is His beloved.

At times I find it hard to embrace Christ's love. However, it is the truth that I cling to. Christ's love has never let me down. In my soul, I am desperate for that kind of value, worth and love. This hunger in me for validation is voracious. It is an infinite black hole of need. I have only one hope of filling that hole and that is Jesus Christ.

Again I leave you with another song. Please find the song In Your Freedom recorded by Hillsong. The words are below. Listen to this song as many times as you may need. God is rescuing me each day, moment by moment. His love is truly all I want and most definitely all I need.

In Your Freedom
by Marty Sampson, Raymond Badham

(PRE-CHORUS)
I have nothing more
Than all You offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

Chorus 1
I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You're all I need

Verse 1
I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness

Verse 2
No other king could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart

Verse 3
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released

Misc 2
(BRIDGE)
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion
(REPEAT)

Sabbatical Day 98 More thoughts on trust

Psalm 34:3-7 says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."

What an incredible passage. As I read, there are a few words that really pop out...trust, be still, wait patiently, delight yourself in the Lord, commit. All these words require action or perhaps inaction on our part. For all these verbs there is an underlying truth that is foundational to all the others. That word and action is trust.

I am coming to realize the more I do or the busier I am, the less I trust God. For example, working to produce something to the point that I go without rest and fail to connect with God usually means I don't trust God to carry out the cause. Often, I have even taken a job that God never asked of me. If I trust God I will be still. If I trust God I can wait patiently knowing He has it in control. If I trust God I won't fret over what people think or compare myself against their so-called success. If I trust God, He will be my complete delight; more than getting my basement carpeted. If I trust God, I will desire more than anything to be His daughter living out the adventure He has in store instead of writing my own epic.

God is radically, completely, always and forever trustworthy. Loving Him must take steps of trust. Loving Him is to die to myself while trusting His plan. This stage in life seems like one death after another. It is the surrender of children, position, relationships and the complete demolition of all that once seemed firm.

Friends, there is absolutely nothing trustworthy in this world but God Himself. Friends and family all want to be trustworthy. If we are Christians I believe we are on the transformative path to becoming trustworthy. However, we wear flesh that is weak. We will from time to time let each other down. For those of us who have failed someone we love, we all know that restoring trust is hard work. God on the other hand never has to restore trust; he never walks away from His character of trust.

We must spend time in the center of our souls where God resides, where He longs to sit with us revealing His love and trust. Cry out to Him. Seek Him in quiet surrender. Lay down the people, positions, things, past, present or future circumstances in your life that you hold tightly because you don't trust God with them. You must be tired of having a death grip on those things. I know I am. I am simply too weary to keep hanging on to these things that are not bringing life to this heart.

I would like to suggest a moment for you. Please go to your favorite MP3 or song source and download a song titled "The Stand" by Hillsong. The words are below. Please listen to this song in your time with the Lord. Take in the words. May they become the cry of your heart.

Be blessed.

The Stand
by Joel Houston

Chorus 1
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Verse 1
You stood before creation
Forever within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand

Verse 2
You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

(PRE-CHORUS)
So what can I say
And what can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

Verse 3
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
My life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

Sabbatical Day 97

Sorrow is my constant companion today. Sorrow over a growing awareness of my sinfulness and my lack of response to love is heavy. Yet, as I have wondered the scriptures today, the hope of Christ is still with me. There is a tension between sorrow and awe. Sorrow for the reality of my sin and awe for the One who loves me with my sin. Sin never changes Papa's faithfulness and love.

With each new revelation comes a growing mistrust of self and a firm trust in God. Truly, who else or what else can we trust? In humble awareness of my weaknesses, I am cautious to even go forward. However, I am beginning to realize that even this is enemy's attack to paralyze me in fear. Only God can transform this sinner's heart and create a new life formed and fashioned in His beauty.

Nonetheless, though sorrow abounds, my sense of joy and gratitude is even deeper. Victory through Jesus, salvation, a new life, freedom, love... all this and so much more are mine because of the relentless generosity, compassion, grace and tenderness of Jesus Christ. I feel like the woman in John 8 who anointed Jesus' feet with an expensive luxurious cream. Her joy and gratitude compelled her to extravagantly worship Jesus. She worshiped him even as others scorned her actions. She was madly in love with her Savior. Her intimate moment in worship was uncomfortable for those watching. Knowing that she would probably be misunderstood, I am sure she must have weighed it out in her mind. Still she worshiped Jesus like no else ever recorded.

Read through John 12. Put yourself in the story. You may find yourself to be the woman, Judas, one of the others in the room, or maybe just yourself as you look on. How does it feel to watch this woman pour out her love? Are you uncomfortable? Do you wish you had the courage to worship Jesus like she did? What is your first reaction? Linger in this story. Let the truth unfold in your heart. Allow the Holy Spirit room to move in you, revealing truth and drawing you to the Jesus this woman loved so much.

Becoming an extravagant worshiper. Cathy

Sabbatical Day 91

The spring flowers are amazing. They come up through the cold ground, springing forth with color that it simply brilliant after gray winters. How do they break forth in color before the leaves are on the trees? To me it is still to cold to hang out in the chilly spring temps. But not for the daffodils, hyacinths, tulips and other beauties. Wow they are breathtaking.

I hope you find that these moments together bring you closer to God's embrace. May these few words strengthen, encourage and comfort you as you continue to walk this journey. Please feel free to comment on how God is at work in your world. Your pilgrimage is encouraging to others as well. We struggle together, encourage one another, celebrate each other's victories and grieve through the losses that come. Again feel free to share your thoughts.

Tonight, Barbara Walters is doing a special on living to be 150. I look forward to see what they have to say. On Good Morning America this morning they documented a woman who at the age of 100 that was taking care of her 80 year old daughter who was suffering from cancer. One of the comments was that these people who live so long have to learn how to handle loss. They have outlived their spouses, children, grandchildren and lived through many of their own life threatening illnesses. Another fact they noted was that each of these people still had purpose for their lives; they had a reason for getting out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not sure I want to live to be 150, but I do want to live each day with purpose. I believe God designs our lives and we can enjoy the adventure. I also know that there is an enemy who wants to steal that purpose, keeping us focused on ourselves. Today is a new day. It is one which God has given to each of us. No matter what our emotions or our mind may tell us, we must stand on the truth deciding to follow Him and love others. Thoughts and emotions are given to us by God and stolen from us by Satan. Discerning the differences and recognizing the truth and the lies can definitely bring us to a deeper relationship with God.

So here are a few questions we can begin to use to develop our sensitivity to God and His Spirit.
... What has happened today that I should be thankful for?
... Do I take His gifts for granted?
... Is my whole life becoming "Thank you" responses to God?.
... What do I find most difficult to be grateful for?
... Am I belcoming more and more Sprit directed?
... Am I open to all the channels by which God speaks to me?
... Did I allow Him to direct me in the events of this morning? this day?
... Do I experience His gifts a new? Peace? Love? Kindness? Gentleness? Patience? Joy? Fidelity? Self-control?

Next consider the following questions for examination of ourselves. Now this isn't to count up our failures and successes. Instead let's begin to look for the growth in our faith and how God is expanding our hearts to look more like His.
Questions could be
... Did I feel drawn by the Lord any time today through a companion, an event, a good book, nature...?
... What have I learned today about him and His ways in the ordinary occasions and in stray moments?
... How did I meet Him in fears, joys, work, suffering, misunderstanding?
... How did His word come alive to me today in my prayer time, scripture, other readings?
... In what ways have I encountered Christ through the member of my community? Have i brought Christ to them?
... In what have I been a sign of God's presence and love to my family, friends, people I work with, people I've met today?
... Have i felt moved to go out of myself in concern for the lonely, discouraged, sad, needy?
... how am I becoming more and more conscious of God's work in the church, in my country, in other countries of the world? How does it affect me?
... Have i experienced a growing awareness of my being loved, my sinfulness, a desire to reciprocate, my dependence on Christ?
... Finally, of what area of my being is Jesus not yet Lord?

This is a process of questions that we can use on a daily or weekly basis to allow God to examine our hearts, becoming honest before Him. If we are really daring, we will allow a trusted spiritual companion to join us in this examination.

Remember this is not used to beat us or shame us for what we are not doing or for the sin we still commit. This is to help us recognize our need for God, to celebrate growth. Without God we cannot grow. In fact left to our own devices and we will continue in the same struggles we have always experienced. But when united with God in the journey, slowly we will begin to experience renewal and transformation.

Be encouraged. Go for it. Embrace the transformation.