What a day! Jesus met me in counseling. The pain is still deep. Yet, I know the Lord is at work. All of this time away from work has given me opportunity to really process my past, present and shed light on the future. Through the words of a trusted counselor I became acutely aware of my pain. I have never felt valued or of worth for who I am. Thus I have tried, without success, to define my value and worth through what I could do and how others see me.
I don't know even how to begin to explain this pain and the defenses I use to shield myself from further pain. Seeking validation from others and in what I do is exhausting. Pleasing others, not out of motivation to serve, but out of neediness to be recognized sickens me. But it is the truth about who I have been.
My counselor said it so well. We all want others to like us; to be pleased with us. But eventually there comes a time when we recognize that even though we want that, we don't need it; our value is in Christ and His love on the the cross. Every day I must place the needy Cathy at the foot of the cross. From that vantage point as I visualize her kneeling, I hear Jesus telling her she is His beloved.
At times I find it hard to embrace Christ's love. However, it is the truth that I cling to. Christ's love has never let me down. In my soul, I am desperate for that kind of value, worth and love. This hunger in me for validation is voracious. It is an infinite black hole of need. I have only one hope of filling that hole and that is Jesus Christ.
Again I leave you with another song. Please find the song In Your Freedom recorded by Hillsong. The words are below. Listen to this song as many times as you may need. God is rescuing me each day, moment by moment. His love is truly all I want and most definitely all I need.
In Your Freedom
by Marty Sampson, Raymond Badham
(PRE-CHORUS)
I have nothing more
Than all You offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me
Chorus 1
I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You're all I need
Verse 1
I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
Verse 2
No other king could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
Verse 3
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
Misc 2
(BRIDGE)
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion
(REPEAT)
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