Sabbatical Day 90

This is day 90 of a 180 day sabbatical. I guess that means I am at the half-way point. I am wondering what God might choose to reveal. Actually I am deciding to wait patiently on the Lord, allowing Him to take charge of our relationship. Waiting seems to put me in a dangerous place of enemy attack. Struggling to be quiet while fighting Satan's schemes on my emotions and thoughts can take it's tole.

I have heard of many fighting their own battles. Many are my friends. Some are acquaintances. All are struggling just to make it through the day. The pain of loss is overwhelming many right now. Isaiah 53:4 says, "Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows...He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."

If this scripture is true (which i believe it is), then we cannot entertain the idea that no one understands us. If no one on this planet seems to understand and feel what you are experiencing, you can be guaranteed that Jesus does. You can look into the truth Jesus gave us and know you are understood and loved right in the middle of pain, confusion, suffering and yes in the middle of your sin. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can change this or take away His love, compassion, care, kindness or goodness from you.

If you are hurting right now, I would urge you to crawl into Jesus lap, allowing Him to hold you. If you are celebrating, run into His arms and party. If you are somewhere between on an ordinary day, walk with Him in contentment.

He is right here, right now.

Sabbatical Day 83

The daily work of the Father is full of surprises. This weekend we were surprised by a special visit from our kids, Josh and Amy. Early Easter morning, I stole a few moments right at sun rise for alone time with Papa. We were sitting on the deck when the sun slowly rose over the horizon dawning the day of remembrance of our Savior's redeeming life. The birds sang. It was totally an experience of Papa's love and goodness.

The day continued with time of sharing with Josh and Amy. Then we headed off to worship and celebration. Anticipation was running high on Easter Sunday. (I pray that same anticipation runs through me each day) Finally, we returned home to gather around the table with warm conversation and laughter. I think Jesus enjoyed the day with us too. I know that I certainly enjoyed the showering of His goodness on me.

Today dawns with hope. It is a hope that rests in the one who is seated at the right hand of the Father, our Savior Jesus. This hope is not dependent on my ability. If it were then I would be in huge trouble. This hope is built on Jesus, His love, His power, and His humility. The words of the sermon still ring in my ear, when absolute power converges with amazing humility we find someone to whom we are drawn. Incredibly, God entrusts us to carry out His purpose with the same power and asks us to surrender in humility to the role of a servant.

At this point in my Sabbatical I find that I am to practice this within my family. I am to serve my family in love and the power of Christ. This is action. It is not something to be considered, or intellectualized. I am to move and live in this role of servant within my family. You just need to know that everything within me recoils at this truth. Servanthood is not second nature for me. On the contrary, I can't think of anything harder... not because of my family but because of my pride.

This is a battle and I am calling on Papa for help. When the kids were small I used to tell them that we practiced love and respect within our family. I continued by saying that if they loved and respected each other and Dennis and I as parents, I knew they would likewise respect and love others outside of the family. Little did I know that I would need those words for myself. Again I repeat, this isn't about my family, this is about the battle of standing firm against pride, ego, and allowing humility to reign.

I am a sinner saved by my Saviors humility, power, love and grace. Please read Phil. 2. I am sure that Paul's words are meant to help us realize that we need our Savior's help. In some ways I believe that Jesus felt all that we have experienced, fighting His own temptations against pride. But He stood firm. With His help and by His grace, I hope to do the same.

Papa, I really need you. Help me to stand firm against pride that seeks my own good. I want to be more concerned about others and be more excited for other's accomplishments than for my own. Help me Father to be my family's and friend's greatest cheerleader, desiring to serve... to wash feet like you did.

How is Papa asking you to serve those around you today? Seek His help, get up and do it. Stand firm friends.

Please feel free to use this blog with your comments. Your encouragement or your struggle can help others along the way.

Blessings to you.

Sabbatical Day 80 Half Way Point

There has been so much come to me today. I don't think there is any coincidence that my half way point in the Sabbatical is also Good Friday. Many moments for pondering. I pray God has your undivided attention today. May you see Him in all you are doing because He has much to give, say and bring to you.

Listen. JUST LISTEN... wait patiently and listen.......

Sabbatical Day 79

I have some suggestions. Run to the Lord. Put on the best music that leads you to worship our risen Savior. Go for a walk looking for His fingerprints. Sit quietly. Read from the Word. Take a friend out for coffee. Share a note of encouragement. Give a hug to one who is least expecting it. Color some Easter eggs. Forgive your enemy or your spouse or whoever you have failed to let off the hook.

Go friends meet with Jesus today in all you do.

Have a blessed Good Friday and Easter.

Sabbatical Day 78

Today has already been a struggle. You know these kind of days. We all have them. The kind of days that tension seems to fill you up before your feet hit the floor. Worries over the littlest things overwhelm me. Why? I wish that I could get final victory over these emotions. These moments make me feel like a failure in my walk. This is just so ridiculous.

It is during times like this that I must remember God's truth and stand firm on these truths instead of allowing emotions to run wild. Emotions are definitely a part of our DNA. And they are definitely used by God to help us draw closer to Him. However, we cannot base our response to life on these emotions. Our emotions are real and should not be denied as if they do not exist. Likewise, we must bring our emotions to God in meditation and prayer. Recognizing these feelings can bring us to a closer walk and intimacy with God.

As we begin to recognize the movement at the core of our being, at the core of our hearts, we can ask ourselves some defining questions. Questions such as:
... Which feelings lead me to the Lord?
... Which feelings lead me away from the Lord?
... Are these feelings a direct result of wounds past or present?
... Am I allowing God to enter into these feelings: giving Him freedom to bring about His good purpose?

I have been given some incredible resources on prayer of examen. These are times of meditation when we sit with God to look over our days allowing Him to kindly and gently lead us in transformation. Over the next few days I will share some of these resources.

The first resource that I would suggest is so simple. Sit down at the end of your day (you may want to journal this time) and meditate on the best and worst parts of your day. Take a look over the last 24 hours asking God to help you see the best time during your day. This may have been a moment of quiet when you felt at peace. It may have been a belly laugh with a friend. It may have been smelling spring in the air. Whatever it was... take time to really consider what the best part of your day was and how God gave it to you. Thank Him for it... let it sink into your heart that this was a time when God was saying, "I Love You and am especially fond of You. I created that moment for you."

Next think through the last 24 hours and consider what was the worst part of your day. Why was it bad? How did it affect you? Did you look for God in this time? What does God want to say to you? Now let me warn you, this is not a time to beat yourself up. This is a time to allow God to love you again. You see, it is when we see our failures and still allow God to love us deeply in it that we move toward intimacy. Let's face it... when do you feel the most loved? Is it when you receive accolades for a job well done? Or is it when you mess it up and someone draws close, loving you in your mess? Again allow God to tell you that He is crazy about you even when you screw up. You are dearly and deeply pleasing to Him no matter what you may do or not do.

Now thank God for the best part of your day and for the worst. Both can bring us closer to God, creating a heart of thanksgiving and dependence on Him.

Papa thank you for loving us when we are down, tense, worrisome, troubled, when we are giddy with joy and every emotion in between. Papa I remain in you. Papa I relax in you. Papa I release day to You.

Sabbatical Day 77 More Wonderings on Love

At times I feel like a broken record. I keep sensing the same things over and over and over again. This is probably because it takes me a long time to embrace a truth and live there. I just don't get it with one shot. So at the risk of repeating myself, here are a few thoughts about love and the freedom we can have because of it.

Let's take a moment to go to John 13:3-5. It reads, "Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." (my italics)

Reading this scripture gives me a sense that Jesus knew exactly who he was, his purpose, the love of His Father and what He was to do at that moment. In this deep security, He took off the role of teacher and Lord and put on the role of servant. Instead of asking someone else to wash the disciples feet, He did it himself. This is striking to me. God... in flesh... creator... serving the created. He lived from the center of the security of the Father's love for Him. Jesus was so secure in that love, He did not need to prove His position. He lived out the ultimate love for us.

Jesus' freedom to serve was a result of deep abiding love. Everything the Father gave to Jesus, Jesus in turn gave away to others. Taking on the limitations of the flesh meant Jesus could only give what the Father gave to Him. It was all Jesus had and he gave it to us.

Today Jesus continues giving. He gives us love, security, our resources, our stories, our journeys, our friends, our kids, our spouses, our extended family. Look around you. Everything you see, all you take in, the people in your life.... everything is given by God. The gift you can give back to God is your journey.

I love these words by Fr. Pedro Arrupe, S.J. He says, "Nothing is more practical than finding God, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evening, how you spend your weekends, what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

Jesus was totally in love with the Father. This love decided everything for Him. He trusted the Father completely. He committed His life into the Father's hands.

God's love for us is no different. This love is completely good, endures forever and always seeks our good. This is the kind of love we can trust. We can rest assured, relax and remain in this love. We don't have to know all the details of the future. We don't have to know all there is to know. We obviously would like to know everything, but we can leave the full knowing to God. This is real trust and real faith; leaving the knowing to God.

When we leave the knowing to God, we put today and the future in His very capable hands. The moments we do consider the future, we dream instead of worry and hope replaces fear. Freedom begins to take root and real fruit is born.

Sabbatical Day 76 Judgement or Love

If I could stand outside of myself, watching me for a day, I think I would cry, laugh and wonder "Who does she think she is anyway?" When I stop to consider that this is God's vantage point and equally that He can see within me, I find His love to be a powerful force of change in me. I, being human, can get pretty turned off by me when I stop to really look at my truth. God is never turned off. In fact that simple reality makes His love complete all by itself.

I think there are two basic vantage points. Humanity's is judgement. God's is love. Humanity nearly always responds to life in judgement of right or wrong, good or bad, and comparison. Think about it. The last conflict in relationship that you experienced, who was right? Chances are you were. Who was wrong? Likewise the other person. In Christian circles we cloak this often as discernment. Then we bring God into the issue as if He agrees with our thinking.

God's vantage point is always love. It is a love that:
... compels.
... moves.
... responds for and toward the other person.
... serves.
... is humility in action.
... celebrates the other person and their accomplishments more than our own.
... is excited to see others succeed.
... limits our desires in order to help others.
... trusts.
... is secure and brings security to our souls, minds and even our bodies.
... and it is a love the disciplines for our good.

Today is an opportunity for another chance to learn how to love. It is equally another opportunity to learn how to receive love; to learn how to live life loved.

Please read these words from Jesus slowly. Let them soak into your heart.

John 7:37 "If anyone is thirsty let him come to me and drink."
John 8:12 "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me."
John 14:26 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 15:4 "Remain in me. Make your home in me and I will make my home in you."
John 15:11 "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that you may have it to the full."
John 20:22 "Receive the Holy Spirit."

Here's your action. Receive. Let me say it again. This love is already yours. In order to experience it all you have to do is RECEIVE. Like we were all taught, after we receive a gift we simply respond with, "Thank You."

Today keep your eyes and ears open to God's love language that He wants to speak into you. Each time you experience His love, simply respond with "Thank you Papa. That was awesome!" Before you know it, you will be saying Thanks all day long.

Thanks Papa for the rain today. I know it is going to raise a harvest of beautiful spring flowers.

Sabbatical Day 73

I love spring. I love to walk outside looking for signs of life. Tulips, hyacinths, daffodils, wheat fields all bring hope that winter is almost over and spring is coming. Newness always brings hope. Experiencing the renewed warmth of the sun sends me out to walk and breath in the fresh air.

God and I have had a few walks this week. We yuk it up about what's going on in my head. At times I am quiet enough to ask, "So what about You? What's going on in your heart Papa." Fun times...our conversations.

Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to walk with Jesus like the disciples did? Wonder what they talked about? What inside jokes did these 13 men have? Can you joke with the Son of God? Could He really have had a sense of humor? Absolutely. He was in relationship with these men. They were normal men living beside the Son of God.

We have made this relationship far too hard and legalistic. I believe He loves child like conversations and experiences. I believe He likes to play, create, run, walk, listen, cry, laugh, lay in the sun watching the clouds roll by, and roll up His sleeves working hard with purpose.

I am falling in love more each day with Papa, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Just being with them changes me. Read that sentence again. JUST BEING WITH THEM CHANGES ME. We don't have a formula or recipe. We are just living life together. It is an experience of relationship and love unlike anything in my past.

I came across the book "Surrender to Love" by David G. Benner. Benner writes, "Genuinly encountering love is not the same as inviting Jesus into your heart, joining or attending a church or doing what Jesus commands. It is the experience of love that is transformational. You simply cannot bask in divine love and not be affected." This is so true. We have reduced the relationship with God to disciplines and activity. PLEASE HEAR ME. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT WE GIVE UP THE SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES. I do believe however, there is a deeper place in relationship that is available.

A question came to me during my time away. I ask it of you. What do I know about God from direct personal experience? This stopped me in my tracks. I know many things about Him. I know some of the theology and doctrine. But that theology and doctrine isn't an intimate experience with God. I have had moments and experiences; the on/off again type. But sustaining, direction-altering changes have been few.

I am so hungry and desperate for the experience. It doesn't have to be mountaintop moments everyday. I want the day to day experience as well. God and me over lunch, laundry, other relationships, work, in it all. I want Him. I need His light, life, bread, water, way, word, healing, movement, breathe, heartbeat. Are you getting the picture? I am nothing. HE IS EVERYTHING.

He is Teacher, Comforter, Guide, Lover, Savior, Friend, Counselor, Redeemer, Prince of true Peace, Shield, Shelter, Refuge, Defender of my weakness, Strength, King of Kings, Lord of Lords...and best of all HE IS MINE. HE IS YOURS TOO! I just want to shout it out.

I watch the world pass Him up and long to say...You need to know my Savior. He can do for you what no one can. Please come, get to know My Jesus, My Papa, My Holy Spirit. Please let them have a chance and moment with you.

Now I must run along. God and I are headed to clean this house and pay bills. It will be a full day together. Hope yours is too.

Sabbatical Day 72

True humility is a gift. I think it may be define as freedom at its finest. Jesus is our greatest example of true humility. In reality Jesus, along with the Father and the Holy Spirit created all things. Usually we consider people who create as the sole owner and propriators of the creation. In fact we have laws that protect their artistry and creation giving them complete rights to their work.

Jesus is creator. Even thought He deserved all the rights that come with His role, in humility He gave those up for love; a deep love for the created. The mystery is that Jesus laid it all aside in order to save and heal the world of it's sin. Jesus clung to nothing. He was completely free.

I am sure that He endured the flesh screaming for its rights. Instead, He said no to the flesh and yes to the Father and to us. This is humility.

As I look at my Savior, I long to be recognized with Him. Knowing I am such a beginner in humility, I have a vast distance ahead of me to reach the goal. Yet I have Hope with a capital H, because Jesus knows this struggle. He knew that everything was His. He knew His identity of being God's only Son. He knew His purpose. He resolutely set out to live His purpose. He felt every temptation. He was victorious over Satan's lies and schemes. He knew He could not make it without the Father. He relied on the Holy Spirit. He knew weakness and strength all at the same time.

Here's the clincher. He said that He would give us the Spirit to carry out His perfecting work in us. We must sit with Him, live with Him in the scriptures, work beside Him in our day, sleep in His embrace, awaken to His creation and turn our attention moment by moment to Him throughout our day. Then allowing Him to examine us and surrendering to His remolding of our lives, we can begin the slow transformation of taking on His likeness of humility.

Time, willingness, surrender, desire...these are all the qualities we bring to His capable hands. He promises to lead us on the transformational journey.

Sabbatical Day 71

During my time away, I have hung out in the gospel of John. I am coming to love John more with each day. He captures Jesus in ways that the other writers of the gospels does not. He constantly quotes Jesus as saying "I tell you the truth..." Over and over again, we see Jesus wanting people to know the truth. He wasn't making it up along the way. Jesus brought truth to the day and the people.

One of the verses that I have jumped over many times is John 5:17. It reads, "Jesus said to them,'My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I too, am working.'" Jesus was talking to the Jews who were persecuting him for healing on the Sabbath.

I guess I have never thought of God as busy or at work. I seem to think of God just hanging out, looking over the heavenly banister, watching the chaos from afar. I never thought of God working. Sure, He probably doesn't work like we do, but He does enter into each day with purpose, plans, and maybe even a priority list(just my idea here). However we may see it, Jesus tells us that the Father is always at work and that He too is working.

So with that said, work must be an ok thing. Our own work, our labor is then a point of contact with God, not a distancing from Him. So many times we compartmentalize God right out of our work. We believe He has a place in our spiritual journey, maybe even our emotional health, but surely not in our daily mundane work. But quite contrary to this, God actually is at work 24/7. Thus He longs to enter our daily life as a point of connection.

Imagine for just a moment, God with you while you meet with a client. God with you in the classroom. God with you while you wash dishes and fold the last of a hundred pairs of socks. God with you as you work on the car, as you serve the irate customer. Imagine...God at work, entering and laboring next to you, with you, pulling the load along side you. Can you see the purpose God gives your work when He is laboring with you?

All of a sudden there is nothing mundane in our days. The simplest of tasks seem to open to greater opportunities to serve. Before you know it, we are experiencing connection to God as much in our 40+ hours a week job as we do during a church service, or prayer. Here we continue to live in the center of Him. More importantly, He moves into our days and out into the world through us. Our attention is drawn to God and His world.

At this point, we no longer are just making a living, we are the missionaries in the world He has always wanted. Purpose ceases to revolve around the dollar but around God's greater purpose of loving people; those we work with, those we serve, our bosses, employees, peers, customers, clients, patients, anyone we lock eyes with. Our eyes open to the sacredness of God in every person we meet. As we serve we enter into holy moments.

Now this is all much easier to write about than to do. Jesus' full time job lead Him straight to a cross. I will not sit here behind this keyboard and pretend this is easy. Far from it. It wasn't for Jesus and it certainly isn't easy for us. However, we have a promise from the one who always tells the truth. Jesus said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matt 28:18-20.

Our job isn't our careers. Our job is to use the careers God gave us to be His ambassadors to the world. God is at work. Our Savior is at work. We are at work.

Papa, thank you for our jobs which you do use to supply our needs. However, may we begin to change our perspective to see that our main career is to go out and love the world to you. May we turn our attention to You, listening and looking for You. We love you Papa. Thanks for all you continue to do to bring us closer to You with each day.

Sabbatical Day 70

The fourth day of the silent retreat found me in deep lonliness. It was a lonliness like I have never experienced. Incredibly, I believe I have filled my life with activity and noise to cover up the ache in my heart. But in silence, truth begins to rise to the surface; truth about ourselves and thankfully truth about God.

During this overwhelming lonliness came Satan's attack. In the past, I have always turned to others to fight off the assaults of the enemy. I have turned to working harder to prove my worth and value. I have turned to food to seek comfort. I have turned to friends craving their approval. This time however, there was no turning to the usual to fend off the attack. I was left with the painful truth that I was weak, needy, lonly, and completely vulnerable. I was scared. No one was there. I had no one to turn to...at least no one with flesh and blood.

God seemed agonizingly quiet as well. I prayed. I read. I journaled. I prayed some more. Nothing was breaking the attack. I didn't know what else to do.

Finally, crawling into bed, clutching a pillow, sobs broke from my heart; sobs that racked my soul. Pain that I had covered completly engulfed me. There in the lonliness of a silent and simple room, I cried out to God. I remember through my tears saying, "God, I wish you had skin on." In the most loving and gentle way Papa responded with, "If I did I couldn't hold your heart."

At this very moment those word still stir my soul. You see He holds my heart; the place that few have entered. He gently and with relentless tenderness embraces my heart...the place where pain, joy, sin, sorrow, worship....where everything that makes me me resides. He doesn't turn away. He doesn't run for the door. He has never thrown up His hands wondering what to do next with me. He has waited for this time. Why I made Him wait so long, I don't really know and it really doesn't matter much anyway. All I know is His patience outlasted my pride, fear and anxiousness.

His patience will outlast any of our attempts to keep Him at arms length. His love endures forever and ever and ever for all eternity. We cannot outlast His attempts to bring us into the fullness of the life He longs to give us.

Psalm 103:8-0 "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities." Our God is so good, so faithful, so complete.

You may not be ready to move towards Him. But that's ok. He'll be there when you are. Just a suggestion...you can trust Him. He is faithful...so go ahead, take a step towards Him. He has more love, more grace, more mercy than you can imagine.

His love never and I repeat, never fails.

Sabbatical Day 65

I'm sitting here with Lauren...she just got her MacBook. I have computer envy. I just had to confess my sin. LOL

Now with that out of the way...

One of the moments during my silent retreat brought about some deep awareness of how little I know about myself and who I really am. All my life I have spent a great deal of energy being what and who everyone else needed me to be. This has not been all bad. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing in the roles I have played. I just would have played them in the center of being me.

In many ways I think we all have lived here. We see others, wishing that our lives resembled theirs. We then copy our lives after them. This isn't always a bad thing. However, we can often loose ourselves as we look to people and this world for approval and our identity.

It came to me while in silence that the One who created me is the One who really knows my true identity as He intended me to be. The next few paragraphs are pieces of my journeling through this adventure.

"My only real understanding or access to who I am is in God. He holds all that understanding and truth within Himself. If I want to know me, I must go to the One who created me, thought of me, looked forward to me, and can't wait to bring me home. If I want to know me, I must run and desperately desire Him. He holds the keys to unlocking the hidden truth of who I am.

I have search the world to know my purpose. I have searched and sought the opinions of others,read books, and took tests in order to know my 'gifts and strengths'. How contrary. I can know these things through my Papa who gave me brown hair and brown eyes. I can go to the One who knows my pain and suffering and can mysteriously use it to lavishly bestow mercy and bring about good for others and His Glory.

So I come Papa asking and seeking to know the Cathy Ann Mack Turner you created. I want
...to love her as You love her
...to accept her as you accept her
...to jump up and down in delight as she breaks forth in Your glory
...to have compassion on her when she falls in weakness
...to run with her
...to be estastic over her and the creations You create through her
...to hold her quietly as she falls asleep
...to watch over her with diligence and faithfulness
...to guide her by Your truth
...to embrace her for what she means to You
...to break down the box she created in order to feel safe
...to see her fall into her Creator's arms of grace
...to gaze upon her as she flys on Your wings
...to cry with her in her sorrows and hold her in her hurts
...to linger as she experiences Your joy, peace, gentleness and kindness
...to behold her running from her comfort zone and dive into the adventure You have for her
...to live with her in the very center of You, no longer a prisoner or a captive but freed and captivated by You.

Oh Papa to know You. Not to understand You, because You are far greater than that, but to trust You. This is what I desire. This is what I long for and want to linger over."

Friends if you wonder who you are, may I direct you to Psalm 139. Let it soak into your heart. Read it over and over and over again until it's truth penetrates your soul. I would venture to guess that Papa is far more enamoured and fond of you than you are. In most Christian circles we are reminded to think less of ourselves and more of others, which is completely true. Equally we are told to love others as we love ourselves. If you have a hard time loving others, just maybe you haven't learned to love yourself yet. Think on this for a while.

Hanging out with Papa...

Sabbatical Day 64

My first day of my silent retreat began at 4:00 am with a quick shower, final packing and running to the airport. Being in a growing church, I always board planes wondering if there is someone on board who knows me and I unfortunately may not recognize them. I wish God had given me a bigger hard drive. The ram access is sometimes stuck (if you know what I mean). Anyway I sat down in my seat and prepared to make myself comfortable. The dramamine took over within minutes and I was out. (Yes I suffer from motion sickness.)

After spending a good portion of my day with my Spiritual mentor, silence began at 3:00 pm. Wes introduced me to Pat at the retreat house and then was quietly off to return home. There I was. There were no TV's, no computer stations, no music playing in the background, no talking, just complete stillness. Up to this point I had always thought of myself as a quiet person. Nothing prepared me for how quiet quiet can be. Nothing prepared me for the emptiness of sound and distractions.

I quickly unpacked my suitcase, then looked around my little room and said to myself, "Now What?" So like the good little Christian woman that I am, I picked up the Bible and began. If I was here to listen to the Lord, I had better get started. So with my mind still whirling and far from stillness, I picked up in Psalm 27. As I read nothing came. My "let's get on with it attitude" was not producing any light bulb moments. I became anxious. Why wasn't God speaking...after all I had a great deal to learn and only 7 days to do it. (I hope you all are laughing at me...because I am).

So like usual, when I don't seem to be hearing from the Lord, I put on my tennies and headed outside. I breathed in deep breathes of fresh air. The sun's kiss on my face warmed my soul. As I walked up the hill I breathed even deeper...really I was sucking air in that altitude. Nonetheless, it was refreshing.

As I walked a particular path, I stopped to look out over the valley. There, not 30 yards away, were 8 doe. Silently, while hardly breathing, I watched them. They nibbled on dry leaves and grass. It was so fun to watch their curious ways. I always knew when the recognized my presence. They stopped, stared straight at me with their deep brown eyes and would snort at me. They never ran away. We were just there together. I was reminded of the Psalm, "As the deer pants for water, so my soul longs for You." It was a moment with God and His creation.

Upon returning to my room I went back to Psalm 27, particularly verses 13 through 14. It reads, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." At that moment, a flood of tears rushed down my face. God in His kindness reminded me that He would take me on this journey, revealing what He knew I needed. Equally He would do it in His time and His way...not too soon...not too late...but at the right time. He would choose how He would communicate...through the Word...during my walks...in nature....sitting quietly in a swing...in front of a fireplace...from writings of others...through words from His Sprit. My only job was to wait, listen, trust that He would share His goodness and finally to respond to Him.

As I went to dinner that evening, tears continued to flow. I couldn't imagine why God would pour out His kindness on me. These were tears of gratitude...tears from the touch of His hand. Again I was reminded, He captures each of my tears knowing exactly the source. He keeps them, tenderly saving them because they are a part of me. Those tears mean as much to Him as they do to me.

That night I curled up in bed, snuggled under the covers and quietly rested. Slipping off to sleep, I heard Him say, "I love you Cathy, my precious daughter. Thanks for coming to be with me...just the two of us. We are going to have an incredible time. I have it all planned."

Wait. Slip into His arms friends. Wait for Him.

Sabbatical Day 62

Wow. It has been quite a journey since my last post. I certainly wish I could sit with each person to share a meal, conversation and connection so I could bring to you the experience I am having. But more importantly, I long to communicate that I believe God has a journey, a plan uniquely for you and Him. It is an intimate place of union where your heart melts into His. Your love story with the Savior is being written each day. He writes His story on your mind, your heart, your soul, your face, your hands, your feet...everything within you cries our for the adventure of this eternal love story. Oh please my dear friends, enter into this story. Don't let it pass you by. I did. With regret over lost time yet mixed with eternal hope, I know my future will not look the same as my past. No...it is redeemed and set aside...holy for Him.

With that said, where do I begin? Well let me go to the beginning of a two week rendezvous and adventure I had with the Lord. On February 15, I set out on a trip to Springfield MO to see our kids Josh and Amy. The rest of the family was in Nicaragua on a missions trip and I had been home alone for a couple of days prior to my departure. It was a roadtrip for which I was deeply looking forward. I had planned to leave that morning, taking my time to antique along the way. Packed and with Ipod in hand, I set out around 10:00 that morning. I was singing tunes, rocking and jiving as much as this white girl can. :) It was pure and simple fun.

As a side note, you must know that I did have a treasure in mind. It is one that I have been hunting for over ten years. In an earlier post, I spoke of Cleatice, my neighbor who was in many ways like a grandmother to me. In the post I spoke of her iced tea. The brown tea pitcher she used was etched in my memory. So I was on an adventure to find the tea pitcher.

So back on the road, I stopped at the first open antique shop along the highway that I could find. Walking into the shop was like walking into the past. It was so full of furniture and treasures of the past that I wasn't sure I could even begin to have the time for this search. Two or three minutes after I entered, the shop owner came in. She was a friendly woman whom I could tell was a hard worker. She knew the store and every piece she had crammed into the smallest of space. She asked what I was looking for. As I described the pitcher she walked around looking over the store. While visiting she picked up the pitcher and said, "Is it anything like this one?" My mouth flew open. It was all I could do to keep the tears from welling over my eyes and down my cheeks. She seemed to understand. She commented, "Isn't it fun to find something that brings back special memories." We talked about tea....the way it used to be made. Ingredients were well water, boiled loose tea, plenty of sugar, steeped and poured over the tiny ice cubes that seemed to have their own flavor and smell because of the old refrigerators.

Needless to say, I was overwhelmed in the kindness of my Lord. He knew where our tea pitcher was and He made sure I found it.

Continuing on I asked the shop owner if she knew of any small town diners with home cooking. She directed me to Stewards in Asbury MO. Well it is definitely small town....there couldn't be more that 500 in the town. I walked into the tiny diner, the kind where the bell dings as you go through the door. Now I have to tell you that it was just like going home. The diner had 5 tables total. Two tables had dirty dishes, two other tables had customers. As I walked through the door, ten eyes stared and 5 mouths hung open. Unless you are from a small town, you just can't appreciate this scene. I wanted to laugh out loud and say "You don't see strangers around here much, do you." I kept my mouth shut. Finally to break the silence, I asked the waitress if I could sit at the table in the corner. She nodded and ran for the kitchen.

In a moment another waitress welcomed me with a menu, silverware and asked what I would like to drink. Of course they had sweet tea. So we were off to a great start. If you have been with me you know I love pork tenderloin sandwiches, which are relatively hard to find in restaurantes. You guessed it...they had it on the menu. Along with the sandwich came homemade potato salad....Oh my gosh, you would have thought I had died and gone to heaven. But wait there is more. As I enjoyed my sandwich, potato salad and sweet tea, I eyed the pies on the counter. I asked the waitress if by chance they had coconut meringue pie. Yep...one piece left. I threw all caution and calorie counting to the wind. I knew definitely I was in heaven by this time.

I visited with the waitress and found out she was from Mulvane KS. She was a hometown girl, her name was Kathy and we knew many of the same stomping grounds. Finally finishing off the pie, I sat back in food coma contentment and realized I still had an hour and a half of driving to go. I told Kathy I hoped I didn't fall asleep driving. In nothing flat she sent me on my way with a huge cup of coffee on the house.

Now you may be wondering what all this has to do with my journey with God. Well it is like this. I had asked Him for this time. It was our date. He gave me everything I asked for. Even at this moment as I remember back on that day, I feel His love and pleasure. I don't just know about His love....I have experienced it. Could He love us in such an intimate way...providing the very moments we ask for? All I know is He did for me. I am still amazed. Down in the depth of my being, I know Papa loves His girl because He cares about the little things I care about. That's my Papa.

Psalm 139:13-18 says, "For you created me my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand."

That day to Springfield was ordained and planned. He knows me so well that He put together the day in such a way that shouted, "I LOVE YOU CATHY TURNER." It was my date with my Papa.

Today is no different. Oh Papa open our eyes to your plan for us just for today. Help us to see your love letters that you drop into our hearts. May we hear you whisper to us in our own love language, "I love you my child."

Papa, we love you.
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