My first day of my silent retreat began at 4:00 am with a quick shower, final packing and running to the airport. Being in a growing church, I always board planes wondering if there is someone on board who knows me and I unfortunately may not recognize them. I wish God had given me a bigger hard drive. The ram access is sometimes stuck (if you know what I mean). Anyway I sat down in my seat and prepared to make myself comfortable. The dramamine took over within minutes and I was out. (Yes I suffer from motion sickness.)
After spending a good portion of my day with my Spiritual mentor, silence began at 3:00 pm. Wes introduced me to Pat at the retreat house and then was quietly off to return home. There I was. There were no TV's, no computer stations, no music playing in the background, no talking, just complete stillness. Up to this point I had always thought of myself as a quiet person. Nothing prepared me for how quiet quiet can be. Nothing prepared me for the emptiness of sound and distractions.
I quickly unpacked my suitcase, then looked around my little room and said to myself, "Now What?" So like the good little Christian woman that I am, I picked up the Bible and began. If I was here to listen to the Lord, I had better get started. So with my mind still whirling and far from stillness, I picked up in Psalm 27. As I read nothing came. My "let's get on with it attitude" was not producing any light bulb moments. I became anxious. Why wasn't God speaking...after all I had a great deal to learn and only 7 days to do it. (I hope you all are laughing at me...because I am).
So like usual, when I don't seem to be hearing from the Lord, I put on my tennies and headed outside. I breathed in deep breathes of fresh air. The sun's kiss on my face warmed my soul. As I walked up the hill I breathed even deeper...really I was sucking air in that altitude. Nonetheless, it was refreshing.
As I walked a particular path, I stopped to look out over the valley. There, not 30 yards away, were 8 doe. Silently, while hardly breathing, I watched them. They nibbled on dry leaves and grass. It was so fun to watch their curious ways. I always knew when the recognized my presence. They stopped, stared straight at me with their deep brown eyes and would snort at me. They never ran away. We were just there together. I was reminded of the Psalm, "As the deer pants for water, so my soul longs for You." It was a moment with God and His creation.
Upon returning to my room I went back to Psalm 27, particularly verses 13 through 14. It reads, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." At that moment, a flood of tears rushed down my face. God in His kindness reminded me that He would take me on this journey, revealing what He knew I needed. Equally He would do it in His time and His way...not too soon...not too late...but at the right time. He would choose how He would communicate...through the Word...during my walks...in nature....sitting quietly in a swing...in front of a fireplace...from writings of others...through words from His Sprit. My only job was to wait, listen, trust that He would share His goodness and finally to respond to Him.
As I went to dinner that evening, tears continued to flow. I couldn't imagine why God would pour out His kindness on me. These were tears of gratitude...tears from the touch of His hand. Again I was reminded, He captures each of my tears knowing exactly the source. He keeps them, tenderly saving them because they are a part of me. Those tears mean as much to Him as they do to me.
That night I curled up in bed, snuggled under the covers and quietly rested. Slipping off to sleep, I heard Him say, "I love you Cathy, my precious daughter. Thanks for coming to be with me...just the two of us. We are going to have an incredible time. I have it all planned."
Wait. Slip into His arms friends. Wait for Him.
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