Sabbatical Day 65

I'm sitting here with Lauren...she just got her MacBook. I have computer envy. I just had to confess my sin. LOL

Now with that out of the way...

One of the moments during my silent retreat brought about some deep awareness of how little I know about myself and who I really am. All my life I have spent a great deal of energy being what and who everyone else needed me to be. This has not been all bad. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing in the roles I have played. I just would have played them in the center of being me.

In many ways I think we all have lived here. We see others, wishing that our lives resembled theirs. We then copy our lives after them. This isn't always a bad thing. However, we can often loose ourselves as we look to people and this world for approval and our identity.

It came to me while in silence that the One who created me is the One who really knows my true identity as He intended me to be. The next few paragraphs are pieces of my journeling through this adventure.

"My only real understanding or access to who I am is in God. He holds all that understanding and truth within Himself. If I want to know me, I must go to the One who created me, thought of me, looked forward to me, and can't wait to bring me home. If I want to know me, I must run and desperately desire Him. He holds the keys to unlocking the hidden truth of who I am.

I have search the world to know my purpose. I have searched and sought the opinions of others,read books, and took tests in order to know my 'gifts and strengths'. How contrary. I can know these things through my Papa who gave me brown hair and brown eyes. I can go to the One who knows my pain and suffering and can mysteriously use it to lavishly bestow mercy and bring about good for others and His Glory.

So I come Papa asking and seeking to know the Cathy Ann Mack Turner you created. I want
...to love her as You love her
...to accept her as you accept her
...to jump up and down in delight as she breaks forth in Your glory
...to have compassion on her when she falls in weakness
...to run with her
...to be estastic over her and the creations You create through her
...to hold her quietly as she falls asleep
...to watch over her with diligence and faithfulness
...to guide her by Your truth
...to embrace her for what she means to You
...to break down the box she created in order to feel safe
...to see her fall into her Creator's arms of grace
...to gaze upon her as she flys on Your wings
...to cry with her in her sorrows and hold her in her hurts
...to linger as she experiences Your joy, peace, gentleness and kindness
...to behold her running from her comfort zone and dive into the adventure You have for her
...to live with her in the very center of You, no longer a prisoner or a captive but freed and captivated by You.

Oh Papa to know You. Not to understand You, because You are far greater than that, but to trust You. This is what I desire. This is what I long for and want to linger over."

Friends if you wonder who you are, may I direct you to Psalm 139. Let it soak into your heart. Read it over and over and over again until it's truth penetrates your soul. I would venture to guess that Papa is far more enamoured and fond of you than you are. In most Christian circles we are reminded to think less of ourselves and more of others, which is completely true. Equally we are told to love others as we love ourselves. If you have a hard time loving others, just maybe you haven't learned to love yourself yet. Think on this for a while.

Hanging out with Papa...