Worship The Prince of Peace

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Is 9:6

There is nothing sweeter than a sleeping baby. A child’s bedtime can be the greatest moment of the day. As the quiet settles over the household, dreams are dreamed, rest is renewed and God the Father looks upon His children in complete love.

Over two thousand years ago, nine months prior to Jesus’ birth, Mary received word that her world would be turned upside down. We can only imagine that fear filled her heart and soul. She was the only one who knew the truth; knew that there had never been another man and that the only way she could be pregnant was by a miracle. She was carrying rest, love and the hope of the world within her womb. A quiet peace grew within Mary. His name was God With Us, Emanuel. She carried Emanuel within.

Joseph, upon hearing the angel’s message in a dream, knew that he was to raise the Son of God. He was the man, who by God’ grace, would help Jesus grow in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men. Joseph nurtured God’s Son into manhood. Imagine.

Christ, loving us, became our Prince of Peace in the flesh. Peace wrapped in swaddling cloths. Peace took on flesh. Peace lived out before our very eyes. Peace not as the world gives but as only He can give.

Take a moment to quietly reflect on the Prince of Peace. He longs to speak peace into your soul this very moment. Talk to Him. Tell Him your greatest fear, your deepest joy. Begin with “Jesus, it sure would mean a lot to me if……” You fill in the blank.

Now listen for His word of peace, direction, hope, desire and experience the result of God’s glorious plan this Christmas.

Worship - Value

Have you heard someone say, "I worship the ground he walks on," or "I just adore her"? Usually those words come from young lovers who find the soul mate of their dreams. Those with more life experience generally respond with, "Ah young love."

We respond to what we value the most. For instance, if my husband Dennis seeks time with me, I will drop what I am doing to spend that time with him. But let me get really honest with you. As much as I value Dennis, I have allowed work deadlines to crowd into my time with him, even when he asks for that time. Now I can say I value Dennis (which I highly do) but when I allow the cares of life to crowd out time with Dennis, then my actions speak louder than my words. Those actions communicate that work deadlines, laundry, cleaning or whatever is screaming the loudest is what I really value.

Worship is responding to what we value the most. Let that definition sink in for a moment. Worship is responding to what we value the most. The rest of creation worships God by living out what He has made it to be. Man and woman are the only created beings who can choose to worship or not; who can say they worship but don't.

Sadly I must confess that I allow distractions to rob God of worship. When my actions do not authentically line up with my values, then stress develops in the depths of my being.

Yet God gives us a new day. Today is the day that our Lord has made. It is a day to begin again. It is a day to start out with him, live in response to Him, turn to Him, love Him and worship Him. With our choosing, we begin this day with worship, work in response to God, embrace Christ in worship and minister to the world in response to our Savior.

"Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary, praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord." Psalm 150:1-6

Everyone Worships

"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." Is. 6:3

This morning as I drove into work, all of creation shouted of God's faithfulness. Our first snow danced before my eyes in response to it's Creator; swirling, dipping, leaping and worshiping my God. The whole earth is full of Papa's glory. Everything and everyone everywhere worships. It is in our DNA. Creation worships without a second thought. Creation responds to God in merely living out each day. Cardinals dot the snow covered evergreens with brilliant red. The sea continues its rhythm lapping up on the shore. Mountains stand in majesty reaching to the sky in worship of the Almighty Creator.

Everywhere people are worshiping. You are a worshiper. All day long, sun up to sun down you are worshiping. You may find that hard to believe but it is true. Because God put worship in your DNA, you cannot help but worship. You can't stop it. Hear me loud and clear, you are worshiping something. It may or may not be God. It may be yourself, your possessions, your abilities or another relationship.

Today's generations are some of the most expressive people around. Watch any televised sport. People paint their bodies, make signs, raise their hands, clap and scream as they watch their favorite athletes on the field. Go to any concert and you will see thousands of people clapping, singing along without thought of their ability to carry a tune (perhaps due in part to their favorite beverage of choice), raising their cell phones and reaching out for a touch from their favorite artist. Even some will cry in adoration for the star that they love. The crazy thing is this is how scripture describes worship. (Yes, even Paul calls us to be drunk in the Spirit.. More on this at another time)

Today our lives reflect what we value the most; what is central in our lives and lies in the depth of our being. Let's be ruthlessly honest for a moment. What do you value? Our standard answer is usually family, jobs, health, and if we are Christians we will say Christ. However, let's take a deeper look. Take a meditative journey, following the trail of your time, affection, energy, money and loyalty. Go ahead, look deeply. Follow the trail. At the end of this trail is a throne. On that throne is what you worship...honestly worship... not what you give lip service to. The trail never lies. Sobering, huh.

Seriously, take time with this journey. Wise men followed a trail that led to the King of Kings. Their knees buckled under them as they gave their possessions and adoration to the Prince of Peace. Shepherds after hearing the Good News from the heavenly hosts, sought the Savior. The course of their trail was forever changed and they praised God for the rest of their days telling everyone. They encountered the Hope of the world. The richest (wise men) and the poorest (shepherds) set out searching and found the treasure of their souls. His name was Jesus, God with us.

Friend, please, now... this very moment... pray with me.

Lord, I confess that more times than not, I have placed other things and relationships on the throne of my life. I have searched for peace, believing that the world could give it to me through possessions, power and pleasure. Nothing has filled me. Please forgive me. I receive you Jesus into my life as the only one who can save me and as the only one who can give me the joy and peace my soul is desperately craving. I need you and want you. I submit to you, believing you have my best interest at heart. Thank you for coming to earth. Thank you for saving me from my sin. And thank you in advance that you will come again someday and will receive me, taking me home to live with you forever.

You were created to worship God in all His glory. Now go! Worship Him.

(For more great teaching on worship, pick up "Wired for Worship" by Louie Giglio. My thanks to Louie and all he has done to take this generation to the throne of God, leading us well and compelling us to worship our Almighty God. Keep leading.)

The Light Burns On

Christmas is filled with gift giving. I generally feel bad when I receive a gift from someone I did not buy a gift for. It is hard to receive. Humility receives while pride causes me to run out to buy extra gifts for those awkward moments.

Diving into God's word is an incredible privilege and pleasure. His Word is truth that never changes. It is a sure foundation on which faith is built. The solid rock of Jesus Christ, who according to John 1 is the Word, provides the very stability that our souls hunger and thirst after. Jesus, being the Word of God, lived out the Father's heart before our very eyes. Through Jesus' deeds and love we see God's Word take on flesh. As Jesus lived out the Word by the power of the Holy Spirit, people were transformed.

The Word empowered by the Spirit brought light into the darkness of our world. This light was unlike any other light. In this light, the cares of the world fall away. Insurmountable problems are crushed in the presence of God's glorious Light. This Light is fueled by the anointing of the Spirit. We are told that all who receive the gift of salvation have been sealed with the Holy Spirit.

I am convinced we have far more of the Lord's power and help at our disposal than what we ever turn to or ask for. It also seems to me that the only thing that stands in the way of receiving this power and help is our pride which keeps us from yielding to the Spirit. Yielding to the commands of the Word and responding to the whispers of God requires submission and humility to ask and receive help from the Lord.

Papa respects the boundary of pride. He never crosses over the rock wall around our hearts. Instead, Papa patiently knocks on the door, drawing us to Himself. He waits for our invitation. Invite Papa into the holy sanctuary of your soul. Join Him. Yield to Him. Listen for His whisper. Take in His Word. Be filled with the oil of His Spirit. Receive HIs Light.

Hope

I love Isaiah 61. It is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. I go there often when I want to see who Christ is and why He came to earth. This scripture also reveals what is mine through the work of Jesus in my life. As I read it, I feel like Christ must of had me in mind. At various points in my life I have known the dark moments of the soul when hope seemed so far away.

In the past, I have been depression's captive and prisoner. I know the soul ache that does not go away. My kids remember this time as "The Great Depression." Today it is humorous. Back then, it was overwhelming. Unfortunately, I didn't feel safe around other Christians. Fear kept me isolated from the help and blessing God wanted to give me.

Today I am living proof of the testimony that Christ does and will set the captives free. He does and will release the prisoners from their jail. Christ comforts, provides, rebuilds, restores, and renews. He changes our mourning to gladness and our despair to praise. He is all we need.

No matter what you may face or the uncertainty that looms before you, God is faithfully watching over you. In His silence, He is at work on your behalf. Hold on friend. Hope is on the way. His name is Jesus. Reach out for Him. Seek Him now. Satisfy your thirst with His Living Water. Feed your soul with the Bread of Life.

Worship 24/7

Many years ago I went to Haiti on a mission trip. There we served in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. The moment I got off the plane, the heat and stench of the third world country rose off the tarmac. Immediately, the smog of burning rubber cast a grey cloud over the city of Port au Prince. As I gathered my luggage, I was met by one of the most beautiful women I have ever known, Sister Phyllis Newby. Sister Phyllis is a tall stately woman with a smile, faith and heart that immediately draws you to her. Sister Phyllis has been serving as a missionary to Haiti for years, with many pastors under her leadership. She has also blessed many children in an orphanage that she oversees.

Haiti is one of the spiritually darkest locations I have ever been. Walking down the street (which you absolutely do not do alone) and looking into people's faces, you can easily see evidence of their spiritual state. Hate, anger, starvation, abuse of all kinds are rampant in this country. Also voodoo is the national religion. Thus the beloved bride of Christ, stands out in stark contrast to the rest of the country. Sister Phyllis, the pastors and fellow believers serve tirelessly with joy despite their surroundings. Their joy is unlike any I have seen.

As we drove along the dusty potholed dirt roads, you could hear Sister Phyllis singing and worshiping the Lord. Often, she sang by herself, without instruments or other voices. Her worship was 24/7. It wasn't contingent upon her surroundings. You see Sister Phyllis was and is so completely in love with Jesus. She can't help herself. She is in a continual state of worship.

I learned a lot from Sister Phyllis on that trip. I want to worship God with my life. Worship is not just an hour on Sunday. It isn't a style of music. Neither is it about you and me. It isn't about our gifts. It is all about God and who He is. We are wired to worship God for life. Our daily lives are the greatest billboards for God's glory.

Hope

I love Isaiah 61. It is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. I go there often when I want to see who Christ is and why He came to earth. This scripture also reveals what is mine through the work of Jesus in my life. As I read it, I feel like Christ must of had me in mind. At various points in my life I have known the dark moments of the soul when hope seemed so far away.

In the past I have been depression’s captive and prisoner. I know the soul ache that does not go away. My kids remember this time as “The Great Depression.” Today it is humorous. Back then, it was overwhelming. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel safe around other Christians. Fear kept me isolated from the help and blessing God wanted to give me.

Today I am living proof of the testimony that Christ does and will set the captives free. He does and will release the prisoner from their jail. Christ comforts, provides, rebuilds, restores and renews. He changes our mourning to gladness and our despair to praise. He is all we need.

No matter what you may face or the uncertainty that looms before you, God is faithfully watching over you. In His silence, He is at work on your behalf. Hold on friend. Hope is on the way. His name is Jesus. Reach out for Him. Seek Him now. Satisfy your thirst with His Living Water. Feed your soul with the Bread of Life.

He is My Help

I love songs that help us know and memorize scripture. I am learning a new worship song titled Made Me Glad. It's lyrics are straight from scripture. The words provide truth we can trust, courageously venturing out of our comfort and into a deeper faith journey. The first time I heard this song my heart stopped. It took me back to my childhood. Let me take you there...

I am the youngest child in our family. During my growing up, I often heard arguing in our home. There were fights between my dad and mom and my dad and my paternal grandfather. These fights would eventually end in icy stonewalled silence that could last for days. Eventually someone would give in but issues were seldom resolved, truly forgiven or reconciled. No one asked for forgiveness. With time life would go back to the way it was before the argument. But I always knew there would be another argument that would result in the same outcomes. There were threats of divorce, hateful words, tears, depression and a deep sadness.

As a child in this home, I thought my heart would die. I did everything I could to restore and make life better. It is funny some of the things a child does to create stability in their life. More than anything else, I wanted my family to love one another.

One evening after one of these fights, I came across a devotional. The scripture was Psalm 46:1. These words flooded my soul and have never left me. It says, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble." Comfort and peace literally jumped off the page and wrapped me tightly as I cried out to God for help. Home didn't really change that much but God's comfort and help kept me.

God has always been and always will be my refuge and strength.... My always present, never leaving, completely available help in any trouble, pain, hurt or circumstance I face.

Today I am living testimony to the truth of Papa's Word. I want everyone to know Him the way I do. This passion and burden for you, your friends, my friends and this community drives me. I know just a small piece of who God is and I can't get enough of Him.

Friends, please "humble yourselves, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you," I Peter 5:6-7. He is crazy about you. He wants all of you. He is trustworthy, faithful and true.

God's Quiet Work

"I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's decree. For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don't go back until they've watered the earth, doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry, so will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They'll do the work I sent them to do, they'll complete the assignment I gave them. So you'll go out in joy , you'll be led into a whole and complete life"....Isaiah 55:8-11 from The Message

Yesterday I visited with a young dad who was laid off for a second time. His heart was heavy. He hangs on to hope but like all of us, struggles to remain in God's peace. Straining to understand, questioning the next steps, wondering the hows and whys of it all, we prayed. It was all we could do.

There are days of forward movement in the faith journey. There are days of simply finding strength to stand. There are days when we fall face down to cling to the bedrock of our foundation. And yes there are days of the backward two step.

My heart aches for people. Much of what I sense, is a longing in my soul to tell everyone to hang on.... Help is on the way. God is at work even when it seems He is silent. We can be assured that God is anything but silent. The challenges and heart aches we face do not rock His world. He knows them. He understands them. He faithfully works through them even when we feel He is deafeningly silent.

I believe God isn't silent but instead we are deaf. He speaks everyday through His Word if we will pick it up. He speaks through life, if we will look for Him. He speaks through children, if we will stop to embrace their wonder. He speaks through the poor, if we linger to get to know them. He speaks through the rich if we leave behind our insecurity. He speaks through movies, when we stop judging. He speaks through music, friends, quiet, nature, spouses, the news.

God invites us.

"Hey there! All who are thirsty, come to the water! Are you penniless? Come anyway-buy and eat! Come, buy your drinks, buy wine and milk. Buy without money-everything's free! Why do you spend your money on junk food, your hard-earned cash on cotton candy? Listen to me, listen well; Eat only the best, fill yourself with only the finest. Pay attention, come close now, listen carefully to my life-giving, life-nourishing words. I'm making a lasting covenant commitment with you, the same that I made with David; sure, solid, enduring love." ....Isaiah 55:1-5 from The Message

Papa longs to give us His very best and finest blessing. It is blessing beyond absolutely anything this world will ever offer. The next promotion doesn't hold a thread of enticement compared to His joy and peace. The bigger house looks like a shack when in the light of His love which fills us to overflowing. The junk food worldly toys cannot begin to fill the ravenous hunger that lies deep within each of us. That hunger can only be filled with the Bread of Life and the Living Water of Jesus Christ. We will never thirst again when we drink from His fountain.

From the same passage in Isaiah, verse 6 says,

"Seek God while He's here to be found, pray to him while He's close at hand."

Pray for a soul hunger that will grab your preoccupied attention and draw you to Him. Pray for a hunger that will not leave you but will cause you to seek Him in your entire day. Ask, seek, knock.

He's as close as your soul.

Come Away

“and Jesus said to them, ‘Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.’” ...Mark 6:31,

I see weariness in the eyes of people within the church and in the world. Many are angry, fatigued and feel taken advantage of...extended beyond their strength or ability. Our hearts long for rest and our souls seek freedom. Somewhere within each of us we know things aren’t as they could be nor as God longs for it to be.

In scripture we see Jesus taking care of the souls of his disciples. I love his words. Often when I get away for a while, I can sense Jesus saying to me, “Come aside by yourself Cathy; just you and me. Let’s get away to a deserted place and rest a while. Put away the producing and tasks for a moment. Stop striving...fretting. Come away with me.” Oh the bliss of those moments. Joy and peace warms my soul. Worry ceases. Comparisons fade away.

I have friends in my life that do this very easily. No matter when I show up at their door, they invite me in, give me a drink and we slip easily into connection of our souls. I know they literally stop what they are doing in order to spend time with me. I never feel like an intrusion. I feel treasured, loved and cherished. Jesus is so alive within them. Their smile and hospitality is His.

Our busyness wearies God. No wonder we are fatigued. Fretfulness grieves God. It is never what He has for us. Let us put aside everything...stuff...anything that hinders resting in Him.

Warmly resting,
Cathy

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Is. 60:1-2

As I study the scripture, one question that rises to the forefront of my mind is whether I really believe the scripture. If I do believe it, then do I live it as if I believe it. Do I live out the truths like, love your neighbor as yourself, as much as it depends on you be at peace with all men, do not fear for I am with you. These truths all come from God’s word. If I believe them then I will live them each day that I have breath. Likewise, if I don't live out God's truth, then maybe I don't truly believe.

This week I sat in a group and felt in my soul that I was to speak up, asking women to rise up. It was strange... I had this conversation going on in my head with the Holy Spirit like... Who me? What would I say? Sadly, I failed. I didn’t step up to God’s request. The rest of the day I felt sick and very sad. Even though I experienced so much growth and forward movement in my spiritual journey, yet it felt like I had just taken 100 steps back. If I really believe God is with me and that I am empowered with the Holy Spirit then I should have stood to my feet. That day I again asked God to forgive me for not trusting Him and His word.

Oh friends, God has chosen you. He is faithful. He will not leave you out on your own. Getting out of the boat and walking on the water doesn’t mean you won’t be afraid. However, if we keep our eyes on the Lord He will give us the courage to face our fears head on and walk. Let us keep our hearts fixed on the Savior. Let’s serve Him with joy and conviction that His word is the truth.

If you need to be reconciled with someone, get it done. If you need to meet your neighbors to share the love of Christ, do it now. If you need to be set free of an addiction, seek the help of the Spirit and the community of believers. If God is asking you to serve outside your comfort zone, what are you waiting on. God will give you all you need to fulfill all that He asks. Whatever it is that God is asking, do it. Rise up and just do it.

During a study I came across a great definition of unity as “all members of one body working in cooperation.” Interesting that this definition doesn’t say one things about thinking the same way. I have found that we all have different ideas of how to get to the destination we are all care deeply about. In times past I have found that barriers like our personal desire replaces cooperation, falsehood replaces truth, or assumptions replace seeking to understand. It is gloriously magnificent when the people lay aside their desires for the good of the whole. This is true spiritual victory.

I believe we move toward spiritual success when we defeat the enemy through laying down the groundwork of trust, humility and grace. Great teams are built on this bedrock foundation of strong character and churches thrive, even in the hardest times.

During this difficult financial time we must ask ourselves, “Who are we?” I believe we are defined as we are refined. We either develop into people of faith where trust, humility and grace thrive or we move inward toward our own desires and become people of fear where distrust and pride grow.

I am deeply thankful for each of you, because I believe that we are transforming into people of faith. Move forward friends. Dive into God’s love. His heart beats wildly for us. He has only our best in mind.

The Sanctuary of Trust in God

As I got out of bed this morning, there was a general heartache that I couldn't put my finger on. It was the kind of hurt where tears are close and my heart seemed to groan. During my morning workout, I plugged into worship music, but the mourning didn't stop. Driving home, God gave me a glorious sunrise to enjoy with Dennis while drinking an Americano. Those moments were precious but in some mysterious way it moved my soul to even more anguish.

With a heavy heart, I praise the Lord. Today I will not be hindered. I will not be overcome by the world and it's worries. The challenges we face are not too hard for God. He alone has all the answers. Our hope and security do not lie in money, wealth, jobs or the stock market. Trusting money to bring happiness will lead to destruction.

Paul told Timothy in 1 Timothy 6, "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs...Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life."

There is so much truth wrapped up in this scripture. Today I believe we are living the reality of what Paul speaks of when he tells Timothy that those eager for money have walked away from the faith and as a result will feel the pain of their decision. We now live in the midst of this reality and truth.

Papa's words ring in my soul, "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Church, do not fear. Do not fear the what if's. Do not worry about your future. You may not even know tomorrow. Know Him. Fall in love with Him. He hold all in the palm of His hand.

Papa please pour out your Spirit on your children. Move through us that we will see wealth for what it is...Yours. Help us to throw off the fear of what might be and cling to You the one who is. We move into the sanctuary of trust in You. Your sanctuary is peace, contentment and joy no matter what.

Honduras

It has been an amazing time with Lauren. It is fun to be here with her and to watch her in action as she serves. Her spanish flows as she converses with her friends here. She has embraced her role and is fully engaged with the people here.

One of the privileges we enjoy here is the time of worship. The Honduran people whole heartedly engage in loving the Lord. It looks different than what we experience in the states. As I enter into worship I can almost imagine Heaven joining in the party. In my mind I sense the Lord thoroughly enjoying watching our two cultures coming together in worship.

We have a friend here. Her name is Esmarelda. She used to cook for the ministry. With Laurens help, we stopped to visit with her. As we left I told Dennis that someday Esmerelda and I will be in heaven and will completely understand each other. Maybe it will be in Spanish... Maybe it will be in English... Maybe a tongue neither of knows now but will completely understand then. We will be together, completely understanding and worshiping our Lord with everything that is within us. No one will be on the side lines watching. Everyone will be there and fully engaged.

We can begin to taste this now. Come prepared to fully engage in worship. Pray for Lauren. She will be preaching this Sunday. She has experienced God in ways that cannot be fully expressed. But we can all have it because it is Gods desire for each of us. When we want Him with all that is in us and are submitted to Him, He promises to pour out His blessing on us; the blessings He has in store.

Come ready to receive all God has for you. Pray for our return trip.

--Cathy

When your heart aches...

When your heart aches where do you go? Who do you turn to? And as a friend of someone who is hurting, what do you do? How do you sit with your friend, through their hurt and pain? We all want desperately to right the situation, but generally can't.

I don't have any answers. Job's friends didn't do a very good job of it. Matter of fact, God let them know they didn't handle Job's crisis very well.

I guess the only thing I know is to listen, draw from God's truth, seek more of the Lord, pray, ache, hurt, wait...wait some more... and keep loving... no matter what.

Pondering...

I am beginning a study that Lauren and Dennis recommended. I am working through David Nassar’s “A Call To Die”. Quit frankly, I hope I am made of the stuff to get through this one. It is kicking my proverbial tale and it is only the first day. But anyway, Nassar quotes Dwight Moody who challenged his audience with “The world has yet to see what God will do through one man whose heart is completely his.” Moody responded instantly, “Lord I want to be that man!”. If you know anything about Dwight Moody’s ministry, you know that he eventually launched a missions movement that touched the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.

I wonder what it would look like if my heart was completely and solely God’s. What would happen if I was so sold out to God, that each day finished with less sin...less of me and more of God. I have a feeling that with time, sin would hold less appeal. The sin of pride would be replaced with love and humility. Gossip would turn to genuine encouragement. Slander would leave me feeling sad. Gluttony and greed would be exchanged for simplicity. Jealousy to celebration. Foul thinking to thoughts that were restored by God’s Spirit. As you can tell I have a long way to go. We all do.

We are all on the same boat. We are also in God’s Hand. He is refining and transforming our very identity and nature so we look more like our Papa each day. The older I get, the more I want to be seen as Papa’s little girl.

I love Matthew 16:24 from the NLT version. It says, “ Then Jesus said to the disciples, ‘If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.” This sounds much more like a lot of sacrifice. And it is...if you are only going to look at the immediate. However in the long run, the change that happens in us by putting away our selfishness and taking up our cross leads to the greatest adventure we can experience. The adventure is our decision; IF anyone wants to be a follower. It is our decision each day we swing our legs over the side of the bed.

Yea, I want to be that woman... The woman whose heart is completely His.

Becoming a Lumberjack

Today during my quiet moments, I came across the scripture Luke 6:42 which states, “How can you say... ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye?” These words from Jesus capture me. I can just see myself walking around telling everyone else how to live, while this huge old log is sticking out of my eye. Not a pretty picture...not pretty at all.

There are so many truths that God gives us which we plain and simply gloss over. We forget how many times we fall prey to talking about or finding faults in others. Our greatest witness is words supported by love. When there is a gap between what we say and how we live, suspicion will arise. Suspicion in the church is ugly. It leaves a rather bad taste in our hearts as we wonder if the church can be trusted.

I long to be a trustworthy person serving in a trustworthy church. This isn’t about being perfect but instead about recognizing the logs in my eye. By taking responsibility for these 2x4’s, I become trustworthy.

Do this little exercise. Over the next 24 hours count how many times you engage in thinking or talking about other's faults and imperfections. After you count the number, don’t beat yourself up. Instead recognize this may be one of your logs and ask God through His Holy Spirit to take away this 2x4 before it hits you up side the head. Ask your spiritual friends to help you.

Take out the 2x4. You’ll be amazed at how beautiful people around you really are when you remove the log.

Courage

Courage is a virtue I have always longed for. When I watch a movie with a courageous hero, there is something in me that is riveted. I long to be courageous, to share in the battle, to find out there is more to my existence than just the mundane. I walk away with this need to take a stand, to go forward in a strong and courageous way.

Warriors don't look back. They don't complain because they know complaining divides the ranks. They trust their captains, their leaders. They stand for honor and know that collectively they are better than if left alone. They are brave souls with a mission that they believe in and would give their lives to protect and uphold. Their wills are subordinate only to those in authority over them. They never bow to the enemy. They are steadfast. The timid are removed from the ranks and those who seek comfort and security do not last. There is sacrifice. The rewards are generally few. Obedience is reward enough for the warrior. They are often quoted as saying, "I was only doing my job."

This is how I want to be remembered. I want my children to know me as a courageous woman, a heroine who fought the fight...who entered the ranks and was obedient to her Lord till the day she took her last breath. Obedient to love my enemies, to walk in faith not by sight, to prayer, to taking in the truth and living it out moment by moment. Obedient to Papa's transforming touch and embrace. Obedient to faithfully walk in the way my Lord did and specifically to what He calls me to do. Obedient to lay down my wants, wishes, hopes and dreams in order to gladly and joyfully take up His wants, wishes, hopes and dreams for me.

I am called. You are called. We are all called to join the ranks of the faithful, the courageous and the brave. When we feel completely inadequate to take up the cross, God in His infinite strength and mercy provides absolutely everything we need. We do not enter the battle alone or unprepared. We enter the battle fully equipped with all that we could ever need. All that God is, is ours when we say yes to Him. When you take time to dive into the infinite character of God, you find a well of living water that never runs dry. You can never come to the end of God's fullness and all He longs to give you.

Scripture to meditate on Joshua 1:6-9, I Corinthians 16;13-14, Ephesians 6:10-18.

Walk humbly before your Lord. Know that without Him you will not be a warrior at all. Live faithfully and courageously with your life firmly held in Papa's arms.

Oh The Joy

Last night at 11:00 we got the most amazing gift. Our daughter called from Honduras. If you have children who have moved away, you know the joy that comes when you get to hear their voice on the phone. You just can't get enough... you want to hear about everything. You wish for moments to linger over a cup of coffee, a long lunch, a brisk walk; anything that would give you time to hear their hearts and experience their lives in deep ways.

Wonder if Papa feels this way when we just hang out with Him. I can only imagine that He leaps from His throne, takes the call and loves the chat... just catching up on life. I know this makes God sound like He doesn't already know about me or my days. But work with me here. The question isn't whether He knows all that stuff. He does. The issue is that He is thrilled when we hang out with Him, giving Him our undivided attention. I imagine that He is blessed when come to be with Him.

Scripture shows us that Papa says "Come" often. "Come all who are weary.... come away with me.... let the little children come...." He is drawing us to Himself.

One of my favorite places in the world is by mountain streams. The sound of water rushing over rocks soothes my soul. We read that there is stream of living water that flows from the throne of God. It may sound corny but when I have the privilege of sitting by a stream, I imagine that it is coming from the Papa's throne.

Take a moment right now. Go to one of your favorite spots and sit with Papa. You will bless His proverbial Holy socks off. But equally important, you will find rest for your weary soul. I think I can hear Papa now.... "Come on, let's hang out!"

Day 183... Back to WorK

We have all heard that old saying, "The only thing that remains the same is change." Change is as much a part of life as breathing. For some people, they work desperately hard to keep change from occurring. My first response is to ask in the words of Dr. Phil, "So how's that workin' for ya?" No matter how hard we try to keep our circumstances stable, life will always throw us a curve ball. Then all of a sudden everything we thought we could count on, suddenly has no stability. Our foundation breaks and crumbles beneath our feet. Life from that point forward usually looks more like chaos than order.

As much as we may not want to accept change, it can be the very tool Papa uses to transform our lives, our souls, our hearts and bring about the incredible plan He has for us. Without change, I am sure that we would miss adventure, courage would go undeveloped and joy would be fleeting.

So if change is such a great tool how do we embrace it and allow it to have it's greatest impact. I believe that we first have to be deeply rooted in the One who never changes. We have to have a foundation. However, we have to recognize the foundation we have built on in the past. Generally it is either our relationships, our power, our position, or with whatever the world deceives us. You know how it goes. If you have the right spouse then all will be well. If you have the right job, then you will succeed. And of course we all have been fed the line that the world's success is the greatest foundation we can possibly have.

I love the scripture from Jeremiah 17:5-7. It says, "Cursed is the one who trust in man, who depends on the flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands, he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trust in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

When we honestly look back on our lives to see what we have built our lives upon. We see either wastelands and parched places, or the fruit of confidence, peace and no worries. During these last few months, God has taken me to the wastelands of my past in order to help me see the need for change. He is redefining my life and heart. As a result, joy and peace are becoming mine. I can honestly say I have never experienced such a release like I have over the past few weeks. The outside world hasn't changed. It is still as chaotic as ever. But my inside world is at peace. Confidence is growing at the rate that I plunge to the depths of God and all He has for me.

I have come to love the song "All I Have". It tells my story and journey. Charlie Hines recorded it. Please consider going to your favorite song source to listen to this fantastic song. Sit with the Father. Soak in His heart for you. Get quiet. Listen. Love. Be forever transformed. Be forever held in Papa's tender, intimate embrace. Do not look to others to fill your life.

Jesus is truly all I have to count on. My Savior, my heavenly Papa, and His Spirit walk with me each day. This is my foundation that will never change. I trust that. Now it is time to get on with living in this trust. May the rest of my days reflect Him.

Friends, live life loved.

Resting in His warm embrace,
Cathy


All I Have
Authors Gabriel Brennan
Nate Brennan
Tim Dobbelmann

Verse 1
What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Chorus 1
Jesus all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still
My faith rests in You
As the heavens hold the skies
It's Your hand that holds my life
And Your love will lead me on
When all else is gone



Misc 1
(BRIDGE)
Jesus all I have is You
Jesus all I have is You
Jesus all I have is You
Jesus all I have is You
Is You
And all I have is You
Is You

Sabbatical Day 167

There have been waves of emotions over the last 72 hours. I have cried my eyes out, laughed to the point of tears, wondered around in this very quiet house, and experienced love from some really great friends. Our youngest is now on the adventure of her life. She is flying on her own wings in a country that feels like home to her. Her dreams are coming true. God is pouring out his blessing on the desires of her heart. This is a gift each parent hopes for their children.

These blessings do come with some sacrifices. However, the joy and peace far outweigh any challenges.

As I come to the close of my Sabbatical, I have been reflecting on the lessons God has given me; realizing now that God is asking me to live out these lessons. Over the next few weeks, I hope to put those lessons into succinct thoughts and words. This will take me a lifetime to live out and practice.

My Sabbatical has been and will continue to be one of God's greatest gifts to me. The stripping of position, people and roles in my life have proven to define me in vastly different ways than I had ever believed. God has crushed some of the old paradigms that I thought to be true. He has ripped open my lies and revealed His truth in such ways that I thought my heart would die. Instead what I found was the budding of real life, the fullness of God and I am sure what are just a few of His hopes and dreams for me.

I look forward to serving the church. However, I will not come back as I was. Humbly, I return by His power and purpose for my life. I come back as Papa's dearly beloved daughter, laying down all I have in order to receive from Him all I need. I am completely powerless and desperately dependent on God. Quite honestly, I believe this was God's destination for this Sabbatical or what I fondly refer to as my desert time; to help me come to grips that I am powerless. Equally God revealed that I can fully depend on Him and His faithfulness.

Friends, I pray that we will all fall into Papa's faithful arms of grace, love and mercy. May we, through the power of the Spirit be strengthened. May Christ be so at home within our hearts that love will be rooted and established in us; we will attempt to dive the depths, scale the heights, run the distance and fly the breadth of God's love. Oh to be filled with God's measure of fullness! Not our measure but His.

Living life loved,
Cathy

Sabbatical Day 141

Well time is flying. It doesn't slow down for anyone. Reality has hit over the past few days. Our girl is preparing for the adventure of her life. Now it feels that the roles have changed. It is me that needs to be brave. It is me that needs to dry my tears, put on the smile for her, make sure she is rooted in our love and let her go.

Even though everything inside screams to hang on, deep down I know she would never be happy. Our relationship is in the middle of adjusting and transforming. There is a ripping off of what I have known to be parenthood. It literally feels like someone is taking a knife to cut away the paradigm I have believed, needed and clung to in desperation. As this paradigm of belief fades, I find I have no real understanding of what my role should look like. I can look back to my personal story, but quiet honestly don't like what I see. It isn't what I want for our kids.

The only one I know to look to is God. He is recreating me in some pretty wild and amazing ways. Codependence, manipulation and controlling behavior is slowly changing to interdependence, listening and boundaries. I am certainly not there yet. I am such a beginner. But God is graciously leading me through this glorious change. The change isn't easy but it is so good.

May we embrace the tearing away of the old in order that the new can spring to life.

Cathy

Sabbatical Day 105...

...or Day 29 of the One Month To Live Experiment.

Today started late because of a late night reunion with Lauren. She returned from an out-of-town excursion with her dear friend Kate. It is amazing to see your youngest grow up into a young woman, full of adventure and confidence in the Lord. Yes she did come back with another piercing. However, in light of my One Month To Live Experiment it just didn't matter. :0) How could Lauren be so lucky. LOL

This morning I hung out in Ephesians 1 and Isaiah 30. Here are a only a few thoughts I want to share. Isaiah 30:15 says, "... In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." This rocked my soul. You see before my sabbatical I was living in the last half of this verse. Even though my soul cried out for salvation and strength, I was not allowing myself rest or quietness in order to move towards repentance and trust; I lived in the "but you would have none of it" mode.

Now that isn't what I would have called it at the time. I would have said things like, "I am too busy. I don't have a choice. This is expected of me. I must get this done. I'll take time next week." When confronted, I also would have been thinking to myself, "How dare they. Who do they think they are? They must think that I am a slacker Christian." But when God says those words it hurts and quit honestly is somewhat scary.

Today I see the pride that kept me from experiencing the salvation and strength that are mine as a result of God's love and mercy. Over the remaining time of my sabbatical, I want to create and practice a lifestyle of rest and quietness. I believe I will be productive and at times busy. However, the mode of my production will be from a soul that is quietly resting in my Papa's embrace. There I will find His strength and salvation for each moment of my day. There I will hear from Him.

In Isaiah 30:21 we see these words, "Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice saying, 'This is the way; walk in it." Those are the words I want to guide me. I want to follow the words from my Papa when He says, "Here is the light for your path; walk this way.... follow me... come back this way... U TURN NOW!"

So for day 29 of my experiment, I am giving my attention to the Father, listening for His voice behind me that is saying, "come on, walk this way." He will lead me in the right way every time. It will be the way of love, peace, joy, kindness... It will be the way that builds others up and encourages them. It will be the journey with road signs posting "I love you" all along the way.

Living my one and only life loved,
Cathy

Sabbatical Day 104 Delivered from all fear

Fear and worry can overwhelm our days, keeping us trapped. We worry about the economy, the war, possible illness, our kids, our spouses, what people may think of us; this list can go on forever. Worries and fear rob us of our God-given destiny. It robs us of adventure. It robs us of the blessing of stepping out in faith, letting down our nets. It robs us of growth as people.

I am sure that I don't even know the full extent of how fear has kept me from moving forward. In some quiet moments with God, He has begun to reveal the lost moments as a result of fear. Generally, fear that has kept me from experiencing the fullness of life has been worrying about what people think. This realization has brought about a resolve to not allow fear to steal from me anymore.

Psalm 34:4-5 says, 'I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Seeking God is the first step to being delivered from our fears. Wanting Him, delighting in Him, being at home with Him, kicking off our shoes and hanging out together in deep communion is the place where deliverance begins and is maintained. This requires time; uninterrupted time

You don't know how much I wish everyone could have the privilege of extended time with God. I wish we could come to a place of trust and security stepping outside of culture's grip in order to live abundantly with our Lord. What radical steps or even small steps could we take in order to sit with God for 15 minutes? What could I stop doing in order to spend moments talking to God, in His Word, or meditating during a sunset? How could I go to the center of my soul with God in order to love completely and live passionately for Him? I believe this is where we are to be.

If you and I knew we only had 30 days to live, we would abandon our fears, leaving them behind. We would passionately take on the next 30 days living in our priorities, not just saying they are our priorities. There would be peace, joy, love and all the other spiritual gifts God has for us; we would share them with everyone we knew. We would share Him with everyone. Relationships would be our first priority.

I am taking on the challenge to live the next 30 days as if it is my last 30 days on earth. I will be posting about this. If you would like to join me in this challenge please let me know through a comment or email me. Let's live abundantly.

Papa help us to really take this challenge seriously. We want to be changed and transformed by your help during the next 30 days, living in the abundance of your love and giving it away to everyone we can. Show us how. We need your help.

Living life loved,
Cathy

Sabbatical Day 100

Why is identity so hard to find? Humans have to be the only beings in creation who find it difficult to live within their identity. I mean you don't see a fish trying to be a dog. Or a tulip trying to become a tree. Neither do we see the moon trying to be the earth. Everything in creation lives within it's specific identity. As a result, creation brings God glory.

We humans on the other hand, well we fall short of living in the center of our identity. We look to people, positions, roles, power and possessions all to define us. What we rarely understand is that our identity comes from the One who created us. Likewise, our greatest moments of contentment will be experienced as we live out our identity. It is a rare individual who understands themselves and is deeply secure. There is something very contagious about a soul who can be themselves without comparison, competition, jealousy or envy.

Interestingly enough, I believe when we seek God with all our hearts, our identity begins to fall into place. He restores the missing links in each of us; those links that we have been looking for in all the wrong places. But as we grow in our intimacy and relationship with the Father, we find our true selves emerging into the present. Our weakness does not bother us nearly as much because God loved us all along. Humility forms as a result of truly understanding that our strengths are really gifts from God and we didn't do one thing to get them. Living in our God-given identity is the best gift we can give back to our Lord.

May we not settle for pretense, or for the mask that we easily wear in front of people. I hope to fully remove the mask as I learn what is hiding behind it. I have a feeling I will like my true self far more than the mask. I have a feeling it will be easier to live in this true identity than with the mask. Positioning, defending, judging... will all come off with the mask.

Romans 6 tells us that the old self (mask) is put to death when we receive Christ into our life and that a new life begins. This new life is the life that we were always meant to live. It is our true identity. Let's embrace this transformation and follow Christ, becoming devoted more and more each day to Him.

Sabbatical Day 99 Freedom

What a day! Jesus met me in counseling. The pain is still deep. Yet, I know the Lord is at work. All of this time away from work has given me opportunity to really process my past, present and shed light on the future. Through the words of a trusted counselor I became acutely aware of my pain. I have never felt valued or of worth for who I am. Thus I have tried, without success, to define my value and worth through what I could do and how others see me.

I don't know even how to begin to explain this pain and the defenses I use to shield myself from further pain. Seeking validation from others and in what I do is exhausting. Pleasing others, not out of motivation to serve, but out of neediness to be recognized sickens me. But it is the truth about who I have been.

My counselor said it so well. We all want others to like us; to be pleased with us. But eventually there comes a time when we recognize that even though we want that, we don't need it; our value is in Christ and His love on the the cross. Every day I must place the needy Cathy at the foot of the cross. From that vantage point as I visualize her kneeling, I hear Jesus telling her she is His beloved.

At times I find it hard to embrace Christ's love. However, it is the truth that I cling to. Christ's love has never let me down. In my soul, I am desperate for that kind of value, worth and love. This hunger in me for validation is voracious. It is an infinite black hole of need. I have only one hope of filling that hole and that is Jesus Christ.

Again I leave you with another song. Please find the song In Your Freedom recorded by Hillsong. The words are below. Listen to this song as many times as you may need. God is rescuing me each day, moment by moment. His love is truly all I want and most definitely all I need.

In Your Freedom
by Marty Sampson, Raymond Badham

(PRE-CHORUS)
I have nothing more
Than all You offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

Chorus 1
I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You're all I need

Verse 1
I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness

Verse 2
No other king could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart

Verse 3
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released

Misc 2
(BRIDGE)
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion
(REPEAT)

Sabbatical Day 98 More thoughts on trust

Psalm 34:3-7 says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."

What an incredible passage. As I read, there are a few words that really pop out...trust, be still, wait patiently, delight yourself in the Lord, commit. All these words require action or perhaps inaction on our part. For all these verbs there is an underlying truth that is foundational to all the others. That word and action is trust.

I am coming to realize the more I do or the busier I am, the less I trust God. For example, working to produce something to the point that I go without rest and fail to connect with God usually means I don't trust God to carry out the cause. Often, I have even taken a job that God never asked of me. If I trust God I will be still. If I trust God I can wait patiently knowing He has it in control. If I trust God I won't fret over what people think or compare myself against their so-called success. If I trust God, He will be my complete delight; more than getting my basement carpeted. If I trust God, I will desire more than anything to be His daughter living out the adventure He has in store instead of writing my own epic.

God is radically, completely, always and forever trustworthy. Loving Him must take steps of trust. Loving Him is to die to myself while trusting His plan. This stage in life seems like one death after another. It is the surrender of children, position, relationships and the complete demolition of all that once seemed firm.

Friends, there is absolutely nothing trustworthy in this world but God Himself. Friends and family all want to be trustworthy. If we are Christians I believe we are on the transformative path to becoming trustworthy. However, we wear flesh that is weak. We will from time to time let each other down. For those of us who have failed someone we love, we all know that restoring trust is hard work. God on the other hand never has to restore trust; he never walks away from His character of trust.

We must spend time in the center of our souls where God resides, where He longs to sit with us revealing His love and trust. Cry out to Him. Seek Him in quiet surrender. Lay down the people, positions, things, past, present or future circumstances in your life that you hold tightly because you don't trust God with them. You must be tired of having a death grip on those things. I know I am. I am simply too weary to keep hanging on to these things that are not bringing life to this heart.

I would like to suggest a moment for you. Please go to your favorite MP3 or song source and download a song titled "The Stand" by Hillsong. The words are below. Please listen to this song in your time with the Lord. Take in the words. May they become the cry of your heart.

Be blessed.

The Stand
by Joel Houston

Chorus 1
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Verse 1
You stood before creation
Forever within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand

Verse 2
You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

(PRE-CHORUS)
So what can I say
And what can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

Verse 3
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
My life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

Sabbatical Day 97

Sorrow is my constant companion today. Sorrow over a growing awareness of my sinfulness and my lack of response to love is heavy. Yet, as I have wondered the scriptures today, the hope of Christ is still with me. There is a tension between sorrow and awe. Sorrow for the reality of my sin and awe for the One who loves me with my sin. Sin never changes Papa's faithfulness and love.

With each new revelation comes a growing mistrust of self and a firm trust in God. Truly, who else or what else can we trust? In humble awareness of my weaknesses, I am cautious to even go forward. However, I am beginning to realize that even this is enemy's attack to paralyze me in fear. Only God can transform this sinner's heart and create a new life formed and fashioned in His beauty.

Nonetheless, though sorrow abounds, my sense of joy and gratitude is even deeper. Victory through Jesus, salvation, a new life, freedom, love... all this and so much more are mine because of the relentless generosity, compassion, grace and tenderness of Jesus Christ. I feel like the woman in John 8 who anointed Jesus' feet with an expensive luxurious cream. Her joy and gratitude compelled her to extravagantly worship Jesus. She worshiped him even as others scorned her actions. She was madly in love with her Savior. Her intimate moment in worship was uncomfortable for those watching. Knowing that she would probably be misunderstood, I am sure she must have weighed it out in her mind. Still she worshiped Jesus like no else ever recorded.

Read through John 12. Put yourself in the story. You may find yourself to be the woman, Judas, one of the others in the room, or maybe just yourself as you look on. How does it feel to watch this woman pour out her love? Are you uncomfortable? Do you wish you had the courage to worship Jesus like she did? What is your first reaction? Linger in this story. Let the truth unfold in your heart. Allow the Holy Spirit room to move in you, revealing truth and drawing you to the Jesus this woman loved so much.

Becoming an extravagant worshiper. Cathy

Sabbatical Day 91

The spring flowers are amazing. They come up through the cold ground, springing forth with color that it simply brilliant after gray winters. How do they break forth in color before the leaves are on the trees? To me it is still to cold to hang out in the chilly spring temps. But not for the daffodils, hyacinths, tulips and other beauties. Wow they are breathtaking.

I hope you find that these moments together bring you closer to God's embrace. May these few words strengthen, encourage and comfort you as you continue to walk this journey. Please feel free to comment on how God is at work in your world. Your pilgrimage is encouraging to others as well. We struggle together, encourage one another, celebrate each other's victories and grieve through the losses that come. Again feel free to share your thoughts.

Tonight, Barbara Walters is doing a special on living to be 150. I look forward to see what they have to say. On Good Morning America this morning they documented a woman who at the age of 100 that was taking care of her 80 year old daughter who was suffering from cancer. One of the comments was that these people who live so long have to learn how to handle loss. They have outlived their spouses, children, grandchildren and lived through many of their own life threatening illnesses. Another fact they noted was that each of these people still had purpose for their lives; they had a reason for getting out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not sure I want to live to be 150, but I do want to live each day with purpose. I believe God designs our lives and we can enjoy the adventure. I also know that there is an enemy who wants to steal that purpose, keeping us focused on ourselves. Today is a new day. It is one which God has given to each of us. No matter what our emotions or our mind may tell us, we must stand on the truth deciding to follow Him and love others. Thoughts and emotions are given to us by God and stolen from us by Satan. Discerning the differences and recognizing the truth and the lies can definitely bring us to a deeper relationship with God.

So here are a few questions we can begin to use to develop our sensitivity to God and His Spirit.
... What has happened today that I should be thankful for?
... Do I take His gifts for granted?
... Is my whole life becoming "Thank you" responses to God?.
... What do I find most difficult to be grateful for?
... Am I belcoming more and more Sprit directed?
... Am I open to all the channels by which God speaks to me?
... Did I allow Him to direct me in the events of this morning? this day?
... Do I experience His gifts a new? Peace? Love? Kindness? Gentleness? Patience? Joy? Fidelity? Self-control?

Next consider the following questions for examination of ourselves. Now this isn't to count up our failures and successes. Instead let's begin to look for the growth in our faith and how God is expanding our hearts to look more like His.
Questions could be
... Did I feel drawn by the Lord any time today through a companion, an event, a good book, nature...?
... What have I learned today about him and His ways in the ordinary occasions and in stray moments?
... How did I meet Him in fears, joys, work, suffering, misunderstanding?
... How did His word come alive to me today in my prayer time, scripture, other readings?
... In what ways have I encountered Christ through the member of my community? Have i brought Christ to them?
... In what have I been a sign of God's presence and love to my family, friends, people I work with, people I've met today?
... Have i felt moved to go out of myself in concern for the lonely, discouraged, sad, needy?
... how am I becoming more and more conscious of God's work in the church, in my country, in other countries of the world? How does it affect me?
... Have i experienced a growing awareness of my being loved, my sinfulness, a desire to reciprocate, my dependence on Christ?
... Finally, of what area of my being is Jesus not yet Lord?

This is a process of questions that we can use on a daily or weekly basis to allow God to examine our hearts, becoming honest before Him. If we are really daring, we will allow a trusted spiritual companion to join us in this examination.

Remember this is not used to beat us or shame us for what we are not doing or for the sin we still commit. This is to help us recognize our need for God, to celebrate growth. Without God we cannot grow. In fact left to our own devices and we will continue in the same struggles we have always experienced. But when united with God in the journey, slowly we will begin to experience renewal and transformation.

Be encouraged. Go for it. Embrace the transformation.

Sabbatical Day 90

This is day 90 of a 180 day sabbatical. I guess that means I am at the half-way point. I am wondering what God might choose to reveal. Actually I am deciding to wait patiently on the Lord, allowing Him to take charge of our relationship. Waiting seems to put me in a dangerous place of enemy attack. Struggling to be quiet while fighting Satan's schemes on my emotions and thoughts can take it's tole.

I have heard of many fighting their own battles. Many are my friends. Some are acquaintances. All are struggling just to make it through the day. The pain of loss is overwhelming many right now. Isaiah 53:4 says, "Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows...He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."

If this scripture is true (which i believe it is), then we cannot entertain the idea that no one understands us. If no one on this planet seems to understand and feel what you are experiencing, you can be guaranteed that Jesus does. You can look into the truth Jesus gave us and know you are understood and loved right in the middle of pain, confusion, suffering and yes in the middle of your sin. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can change this or take away His love, compassion, care, kindness or goodness from you.

If you are hurting right now, I would urge you to crawl into Jesus lap, allowing Him to hold you. If you are celebrating, run into His arms and party. If you are somewhere between on an ordinary day, walk with Him in contentment.

He is right here, right now.

Sabbatical Day 83

The daily work of the Father is full of surprises. This weekend we were surprised by a special visit from our kids, Josh and Amy. Early Easter morning, I stole a few moments right at sun rise for alone time with Papa. We were sitting on the deck when the sun slowly rose over the horizon dawning the day of remembrance of our Savior's redeeming life. The birds sang. It was totally an experience of Papa's love and goodness.

The day continued with time of sharing with Josh and Amy. Then we headed off to worship and celebration. Anticipation was running high on Easter Sunday. (I pray that same anticipation runs through me each day) Finally, we returned home to gather around the table with warm conversation and laughter. I think Jesus enjoyed the day with us too. I know that I certainly enjoyed the showering of His goodness on me.

Today dawns with hope. It is a hope that rests in the one who is seated at the right hand of the Father, our Savior Jesus. This hope is not dependent on my ability. If it were then I would be in huge trouble. This hope is built on Jesus, His love, His power, and His humility. The words of the sermon still ring in my ear, when absolute power converges with amazing humility we find someone to whom we are drawn. Incredibly, God entrusts us to carry out His purpose with the same power and asks us to surrender in humility to the role of a servant.

At this point in my Sabbatical I find that I am to practice this within my family. I am to serve my family in love and the power of Christ. This is action. It is not something to be considered, or intellectualized. I am to move and live in this role of servant within my family. You just need to know that everything within me recoils at this truth. Servanthood is not second nature for me. On the contrary, I can't think of anything harder... not because of my family but because of my pride.

This is a battle and I am calling on Papa for help. When the kids were small I used to tell them that we practiced love and respect within our family. I continued by saying that if they loved and respected each other and Dennis and I as parents, I knew they would likewise respect and love others outside of the family. Little did I know that I would need those words for myself. Again I repeat, this isn't about my family, this is about the battle of standing firm against pride, ego, and allowing humility to reign.

I am a sinner saved by my Saviors humility, power, love and grace. Please read Phil. 2. I am sure that Paul's words are meant to help us realize that we need our Savior's help. In some ways I believe that Jesus felt all that we have experienced, fighting His own temptations against pride. But He stood firm. With His help and by His grace, I hope to do the same.

Papa, I really need you. Help me to stand firm against pride that seeks my own good. I want to be more concerned about others and be more excited for other's accomplishments than for my own. Help me Father to be my family's and friend's greatest cheerleader, desiring to serve... to wash feet like you did.

How is Papa asking you to serve those around you today? Seek His help, get up and do it. Stand firm friends.

Please feel free to use this blog with your comments. Your encouragement or your struggle can help others along the way.

Blessings to you.

Sabbatical Day 80 Half Way Point

There has been so much come to me today. I don't think there is any coincidence that my half way point in the Sabbatical is also Good Friday. Many moments for pondering. I pray God has your undivided attention today. May you see Him in all you are doing because He has much to give, say and bring to you.

Listen. JUST LISTEN... wait patiently and listen.......

Sabbatical Day 79

I have some suggestions. Run to the Lord. Put on the best music that leads you to worship our risen Savior. Go for a walk looking for His fingerprints. Sit quietly. Read from the Word. Take a friend out for coffee. Share a note of encouragement. Give a hug to one who is least expecting it. Color some Easter eggs. Forgive your enemy or your spouse or whoever you have failed to let off the hook.

Go friends meet with Jesus today in all you do.

Have a blessed Good Friday and Easter.

Sabbatical Day 78

Today has already been a struggle. You know these kind of days. We all have them. The kind of days that tension seems to fill you up before your feet hit the floor. Worries over the littlest things overwhelm me. Why? I wish that I could get final victory over these emotions. These moments make me feel like a failure in my walk. This is just so ridiculous.

It is during times like this that I must remember God's truth and stand firm on these truths instead of allowing emotions to run wild. Emotions are definitely a part of our DNA. And they are definitely used by God to help us draw closer to Him. However, we cannot base our response to life on these emotions. Our emotions are real and should not be denied as if they do not exist. Likewise, we must bring our emotions to God in meditation and prayer. Recognizing these feelings can bring us to a closer walk and intimacy with God.

As we begin to recognize the movement at the core of our being, at the core of our hearts, we can ask ourselves some defining questions. Questions such as:
... Which feelings lead me to the Lord?
... Which feelings lead me away from the Lord?
... Are these feelings a direct result of wounds past or present?
... Am I allowing God to enter into these feelings: giving Him freedom to bring about His good purpose?

I have been given some incredible resources on prayer of examen. These are times of meditation when we sit with God to look over our days allowing Him to kindly and gently lead us in transformation. Over the next few days I will share some of these resources.

The first resource that I would suggest is so simple. Sit down at the end of your day (you may want to journal this time) and meditate on the best and worst parts of your day. Take a look over the last 24 hours asking God to help you see the best time during your day. This may have been a moment of quiet when you felt at peace. It may have been a belly laugh with a friend. It may have been smelling spring in the air. Whatever it was... take time to really consider what the best part of your day was and how God gave it to you. Thank Him for it... let it sink into your heart that this was a time when God was saying, "I Love You and am especially fond of You. I created that moment for you."

Next think through the last 24 hours and consider what was the worst part of your day. Why was it bad? How did it affect you? Did you look for God in this time? What does God want to say to you? Now let me warn you, this is not a time to beat yourself up. This is a time to allow God to love you again. You see, it is when we see our failures and still allow God to love us deeply in it that we move toward intimacy. Let's face it... when do you feel the most loved? Is it when you receive accolades for a job well done? Or is it when you mess it up and someone draws close, loving you in your mess? Again allow God to tell you that He is crazy about you even when you screw up. You are dearly and deeply pleasing to Him no matter what you may do or not do.

Now thank God for the best part of your day and for the worst. Both can bring us closer to God, creating a heart of thanksgiving and dependence on Him.

Papa thank you for loving us when we are down, tense, worrisome, troubled, when we are giddy with joy and every emotion in between. Papa I remain in you. Papa I relax in you. Papa I release day to You.

Sabbatical Day 77 More Wonderings on Love

At times I feel like a broken record. I keep sensing the same things over and over and over again. This is probably because it takes me a long time to embrace a truth and live there. I just don't get it with one shot. So at the risk of repeating myself, here are a few thoughts about love and the freedom we can have because of it.

Let's take a moment to go to John 13:3-5. It reads, "Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." (my italics)

Reading this scripture gives me a sense that Jesus knew exactly who he was, his purpose, the love of His Father and what He was to do at that moment. In this deep security, He took off the role of teacher and Lord and put on the role of servant. Instead of asking someone else to wash the disciples feet, He did it himself. This is striking to me. God... in flesh... creator... serving the created. He lived from the center of the security of the Father's love for Him. Jesus was so secure in that love, He did not need to prove His position. He lived out the ultimate love for us.

Jesus' freedom to serve was a result of deep abiding love. Everything the Father gave to Jesus, Jesus in turn gave away to others. Taking on the limitations of the flesh meant Jesus could only give what the Father gave to Him. It was all Jesus had and he gave it to us.

Today Jesus continues giving. He gives us love, security, our resources, our stories, our journeys, our friends, our kids, our spouses, our extended family. Look around you. Everything you see, all you take in, the people in your life.... everything is given by God. The gift you can give back to God is your journey.

I love these words by Fr. Pedro Arrupe, S.J. He says, "Nothing is more practical than finding God, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evening, how you spend your weekends, what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

Jesus was totally in love with the Father. This love decided everything for Him. He trusted the Father completely. He committed His life into the Father's hands.

God's love for us is no different. This love is completely good, endures forever and always seeks our good. This is the kind of love we can trust. We can rest assured, relax and remain in this love. We don't have to know all the details of the future. We don't have to know all there is to know. We obviously would like to know everything, but we can leave the full knowing to God. This is real trust and real faith; leaving the knowing to God.

When we leave the knowing to God, we put today and the future in His very capable hands. The moments we do consider the future, we dream instead of worry and hope replaces fear. Freedom begins to take root and real fruit is born.

Sabbatical Day 76 Judgement or Love

If I could stand outside of myself, watching me for a day, I think I would cry, laugh and wonder "Who does she think she is anyway?" When I stop to consider that this is God's vantage point and equally that He can see within me, I find His love to be a powerful force of change in me. I, being human, can get pretty turned off by me when I stop to really look at my truth. God is never turned off. In fact that simple reality makes His love complete all by itself.

I think there are two basic vantage points. Humanity's is judgement. God's is love. Humanity nearly always responds to life in judgement of right or wrong, good or bad, and comparison. Think about it. The last conflict in relationship that you experienced, who was right? Chances are you were. Who was wrong? Likewise the other person. In Christian circles we cloak this often as discernment. Then we bring God into the issue as if He agrees with our thinking.

God's vantage point is always love. It is a love that:
... compels.
... moves.
... responds for and toward the other person.
... serves.
... is humility in action.
... celebrates the other person and their accomplishments more than our own.
... is excited to see others succeed.
... limits our desires in order to help others.
... trusts.
... is secure and brings security to our souls, minds and even our bodies.
... and it is a love the disciplines for our good.

Today is an opportunity for another chance to learn how to love. It is equally another opportunity to learn how to receive love; to learn how to live life loved.

Please read these words from Jesus slowly. Let them soak into your heart.

John 7:37 "If anyone is thirsty let him come to me and drink."
John 8:12 "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me."
John 14:26 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 15:4 "Remain in me. Make your home in me and I will make my home in you."
John 15:11 "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that you may have it to the full."
John 20:22 "Receive the Holy Spirit."

Here's your action. Receive. Let me say it again. This love is already yours. In order to experience it all you have to do is RECEIVE. Like we were all taught, after we receive a gift we simply respond with, "Thank You."

Today keep your eyes and ears open to God's love language that He wants to speak into you. Each time you experience His love, simply respond with "Thank you Papa. That was awesome!" Before you know it, you will be saying Thanks all day long.

Thanks Papa for the rain today. I know it is going to raise a harvest of beautiful spring flowers.

Sabbatical Day 73

I love spring. I love to walk outside looking for signs of life. Tulips, hyacinths, daffodils, wheat fields all bring hope that winter is almost over and spring is coming. Newness always brings hope. Experiencing the renewed warmth of the sun sends me out to walk and breath in the fresh air.

God and I have had a few walks this week. We yuk it up about what's going on in my head. At times I am quiet enough to ask, "So what about You? What's going on in your heart Papa." Fun times...our conversations.

Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to walk with Jesus like the disciples did? Wonder what they talked about? What inside jokes did these 13 men have? Can you joke with the Son of God? Could He really have had a sense of humor? Absolutely. He was in relationship with these men. They were normal men living beside the Son of God.

We have made this relationship far too hard and legalistic. I believe He loves child like conversations and experiences. I believe He likes to play, create, run, walk, listen, cry, laugh, lay in the sun watching the clouds roll by, and roll up His sleeves working hard with purpose.

I am falling in love more each day with Papa, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Just being with them changes me. Read that sentence again. JUST BEING WITH THEM CHANGES ME. We don't have a formula or recipe. We are just living life together. It is an experience of relationship and love unlike anything in my past.

I came across the book "Surrender to Love" by David G. Benner. Benner writes, "Genuinly encountering love is not the same as inviting Jesus into your heart, joining or attending a church or doing what Jesus commands. It is the experience of love that is transformational. You simply cannot bask in divine love and not be affected." This is so true. We have reduced the relationship with God to disciplines and activity. PLEASE HEAR ME. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT WE GIVE UP THE SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES. I do believe however, there is a deeper place in relationship that is available.

A question came to me during my time away. I ask it of you. What do I know about God from direct personal experience? This stopped me in my tracks. I know many things about Him. I know some of the theology and doctrine. But that theology and doctrine isn't an intimate experience with God. I have had moments and experiences; the on/off again type. But sustaining, direction-altering changes have been few.

I am so hungry and desperate for the experience. It doesn't have to be mountaintop moments everyday. I want the day to day experience as well. God and me over lunch, laundry, other relationships, work, in it all. I want Him. I need His light, life, bread, water, way, word, healing, movement, breathe, heartbeat. Are you getting the picture? I am nothing. HE IS EVERYTHING.

He is Teacher, Comforter, Guide, Lover, Savior, Friend, Counselor, Redeemer, Prince of true Peace, Shield, Shelter, Refuge, Defender of my weakness, Strength, King of Kings, Lord of Lords...and best of all HE IS MINE. HE IS YOURS TOO! I just want to shout it out.

I watch the world pass Him up and long to say...You need to know my Savior. He can do for you what no one can. Please come, get to know My Jesus, My Papa, My Holy Spirit. Please let them have a chance and moment with you.

Now I must run along. God and I are headed to clean this house and pay bills. It will be a full day together. Hope yours is too.

Sabbatical Day 72

True humility is a gift. I think it may be define as freedom at its finest. Jesus is our greatest example of true humility. In reality Jesus, along with the Father and the Holy Spirit created all things. Usually we consider people who create as the sole owner and propriators of the creation. In fact we have laws that protect their artistry and creation giving them complete rights to their work.

Jesus is creator. Even thought He deserved all the rights that come with His role, in humility He gave those up for love; a deep love for the created. The mystery is that Jesus laid it all aside in order to save and heal the world of it's sin. Jesus clung to nothing. He was completely free.

I am sure that He endured the flesh screaming for its rights. Instead, He said no to the flesh and yes to the Father and to us. This is humility.

As I look at my Savior, I long to be recognized with Him. Knowing I am such a beginner in humility, I have a vast distance ahead of me to reach the goal. Yet I have Hope with a capital H, because Jesus knows this struggle. He knew that everything was His. He knew His identity of being God's only Son. He knew His purpose. He resolutely set out to live His purpose. He felt every temptation. He was victorious over Satan's lies and schemes. He knew He could not make it without the Father. He relied on the Holy Spirit. He knew weakness and strength all at the same time.

Here's the clincher. He said that He would give us the Spirit to carry out His perfecting work in us. We must sit with Him, live with Him in the scriptures, work beside Him in our day, sleep in His embrace, awaken to His creation and turn our attention moment by moment to Him throughout our day. Then allowing Him to examine us and surrendering to His remolding of our lives, we can begin the slow transformation of taking on His likeness of humility.

Time, willingness, surrender, desire...these are all the qualities we bring to His capable hands. He promises to lead us on the transformational journey.

Sabbatical Day 71

During my time away, I have hung out in the gospel of John. I am coming to love John more with each day. He captures Jesus in ways that the other writers of the gospels does not. He constantly quotes Jesus as saying "I tell you the truth..." Over and over again, we see Jesus wanting people to know the truth. He wasn't making it up along the way. Jesus brought truth to the day and the people.

One of the verses that I have jumped over many times is John 5:17. It reads, "Jesus said to them,'My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I too, am working.'" Jesus was talking to the Jews who were persecuting him for healing on the Sabbath.

I guess I have never thought of God as busy or at work. I seem to think of God just hanging out, looking over the heavenly banister, watching the chaos from afar. I never thought of God working. Sure, He probably doesn't work like we do, but He does enter into each day with purpose, plans, and maybe even a priority list(just my idea here). However we may see it, Jesus tells us that the Father is always at work and that He too is working.

So with that said, work must be an ok thing. Our own work, our labor is then a point of contact with God, not a distancing from Him. So many times we compartmentalize God right out of our work. We believe He has a place in our spiritual journey, maybe even our emotional health, but surely not in our daily mundane work. But quite contrary to this, God actually is at work 24/7. Thus He longs to enter our daily life as a point of connection.

Imagine for just a moment, God with you while you meet with a client. God with you in the classroom. God with you while you wash dishes and fold the last of a hundred pairs of socks. God with you as you work on the car, as you serve the irate customer. Imagine...God at work, entering and laboring next to you, with you, pulling the load along side you. Can you see the purpose God gives your work when He is laboring with you?

All of a sudden there is nothing mundane in our days. The simplest of tasks seem to open to greater opportunities to serve. Before you know it, we are experiencing connection to God as much in our 40+ hours a week job as we do during a church service, or prayer. Here we continue to live in the center of Him. More importantly, He moves into our days and out into the world through us. Our attention is drawn to God and His world.

At this point, we no longer are just making a living, we are the missionaries in the world He has always wanted. Purpose ceases to revolve around the dollar but around God's greater purpose of loving people; those we work with, those we serve, our bosses, employees, peers, customers, clients, patients, anyone we lock eyes with. Our eyes open to the sacredness of God in every person we meet. As we serve we enter into holy moments.

Now this is all much easier to write about than to do. Jesus' full time job lead Him straight to a cross. I will not sit here behind this keyboard and pretend this is easy. Far from it. It wasn't for Jesus and it certainly isn't easy for us. However, we have a promise from the one who always tells the truth. Jesus said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matt 28:18-20.

Our job isn't our careers. Our job is to use the careers God gave us to be His ambassadors to the world. God is at work. Our Savior is at work. We are at work.

Papa, thank you for our jobs which you do use to supply our needs. However, may we begin to change our perspective to see that our main career is to go out and love the world to you. May we turn our attention to You, listening and looking for You. We love you Papa. Thanks for all you continue to do to bring us closer to You with each day.

Sabbatical Day 70

The fourth day of the silent retreat found me in deep lonliness. It was a lonliness like I have never experienced. Incredibly, I believe I have filled my life with activity and noise to cover up the ache in my heart. But in silence, truth begins to rise to the surface; truth about ourselves and thankfully truth about God.

During this overwhelming lonliness came Satan's attack. In the past, I have always turned to others to fight off the assaults of the enemy. I have turned to working harder to prove my worth and value. I have turned to food to seek comfort. I have turned to friends craving their approval. This time however, there was no turning to the usual to fend off the attack. I was left with the painful truth that I was weak, needy, lonly, and completely vulnerable. I was scared. No one was there. I had no one to turn to...at least no one with flesh and blood.

God seemed agonizingly quiet as well. I prayed. I read. I journaled. I prayed some more. Nothing was breaking the attack. I didn't know what else to do.

Finally, crawling into bed, clutching a pillow, sobs broke from my heart; sobs that racked my soul. Pain that I had covered completly engulfed me. There in the lonliness of a silent and simple room, I cried out to God. I remember through my tears saying, "God, I wish you had skin on." In the most loving and gentle way Papa responded with, "If I did I couldn't hold your heart."

At this very moment those word still stir my soul. You see He holds my heart; the place that few have entered. He gently and with relentless tenderness embraces my heart...the place where pain, joy, sin, sorrow, worship....where everything that makes me me resides. He doesn't turn away. He doesn't run for the door. He has never thrown up His hands wondering what to do next with me. He has waited for this time. Why I made Him wait so long, I don't really know and it really doesn't matter much anyway. All I know is His patience outlasted my pride, fear and anxiousness.

His patience will outlast any of our attempts to keep Him at arms length. His love endures forever and ever and ever for all eternity. We cannot outlast His attempts to bring us into the fullness of the life He longs to give us.

Psalm 103:8-0 "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities." Our God is so good, so faithful, so complete.

You may not be ready to move towards Him. But that's ok. He'll be there when you are. Just a suggestion...you can trust Him. He is faithful...so go ahead, take a step towards Him. He has more love, more grace, more mercy than you can imagine.

His love never and I repeat, never fails.

Sabbatical Day 65

I'm sitting here with Lauren...she just got her MacBook. I have computer envy. I just had to confess my sin. LOL

Now with that out of the way...

One of the moments during my silent retreat brought about some deep awareness of how little I know about myself and who I really am. All my life I have spent a great deal of energy being what and who everyone else needed me to be. This has not been all bad. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing in the roles I have played. I just would have played them in the center of being me.

In many ways I think we all have lived here. We see others, wishing that our lives resembled theirs. We then copy our lives after them. This isn't always a bad thing. However, we can often loose ourselves as we look to people and this world for approval and our identity.

It came to me while in silence that the One who created me is the One who really knows my true identity as He intended me to be. The next few paragraphs are pieces of my journeling through this adventure.

"My only real understanding or access to who I am is in God. He holds all that understanding and truth within Himself. If I want to know me, I must go to the One who created me, thought of me, looked forward to me, and can't wait to bring me home. If I want to know me, I must run and desperately desire Him. He holds the keys to unlocking the hidden truth of who I am.

I have search the world to know my purpose. I have searched and sought the opinions of others,read books, and took tests in order to know my 'gifts and strengths'. How contrary. I can know these things through my Papa who gave me brown hair and brown eyes. I can go to the One who knows my pain and suffering and can mysteriously use it to lavishly bestow mercy and bring about good for others and His Glory.

So I come Papa asking and seeking to know the Cathy Ann Mack Turner you created. I want
...to love her as You love her
...to accept her as you accept her
...to jump up and down in delight as she breaks forth in Your glory
...to have compassion on her when she falls in weakness
...to run with her
...to be estastic over her and the creations You create through her
...to hold her quietly as she falls asleep
...to watch over her with diligence and faithfulness
...to guide her by Your truth
...to embrace her for what she means to You
...to break down the box she created in order to feel safe
...to see her fall into her Creator's arms of grace
...to gaze upon her as she flys on Your wings
...to cry with her in her sorrows and hold her in her hurts
...to linger as she experiences Your joy, peace, gentleness and kindness
...to behold her running from her comfort zone and dive into the adventure You have for her
...to live with her in the very center of You, no longer a prisoner or a captive but freed and captivated by You.

Oh Papa to know You. Not to understand You, because You are far greater than that, but to trust You. This is what I desire. This is what I long for and want to linger over."

Friends if you wonder who you are, may I direct you to Psalm 139. Let it soak into your heart. Read it over and over and over again until it's truth penetrates your soul. I would venture to guess that Papa is far more enamoured and fond of you than you are. In most Christian circles we are reminded to think less of ourselves and more of others, which is completely true. Equally we are told to love others as we love ourselves. If you have a hard time loving others, just maybe you haven't learned to love yourself yet. Think on this for a while.

Hanging out with Papa...