The fourth day of the silent retreat found me in deep lonliness. It was a lonliness like I have never experienced. Incredibly, I believe I have filled my life with activity and noise to cover up the ache in my heart. But in silence, truth begins to rise to the surface; truth about ourselves and thankfully truth about God.
During this overwhelming lonliness came Satan's attack. In the past, I have always turned to others to fight off the assaults of the enemy. I have turned to working harder to prove my worth and value. I have turned to food to seek comfort. I have turned to friends craving their approval. This time however, there was no turning to the usual to fend off the attack. I was left with the painful truth that I was weak, needy, lonly, and completely vulnerable. I was scared. No one was there. I had no one to turn to...at least no one with flesh and blood.
God seemed agonizingly quiet as well. I prayed. I read. I journaled. I prayed some more. Nothing was breaking the attack. I didn't know what else to do.
Finally, crawling into bed, clutching a pillow, sobs broke from my heart; sobs that racked my soul. Pain that I had covered completly engulfed me. There in the lonliness of a silent and simple room, I cried out to God. I remember through my tears saying, "God, I wish you had skin on." In the most loving and gentle way Papa responded with, "If I did I couldn't hold your heart."
At this very moment those word still stir my soul. You see He holds my heart; the place that few have entered. He gently and with relentless tenderness embraces my heart...the place where pain, joy, sin, sorrow, worship....where everything that makes me me resides. He doesn't turn away. He doesn't run for the door. He has never thrown up His hands wondering what to do next with me. He has waited for this time. Why I made Him wait so long, I don't really know and it really doesn't matter much anyway. All I know is His patience outlasted my pride, fear and anxiousness.
His patience will outlast any of our attempts to keep Him at arms length. His love endures forever and ever and ever for all eternity. We cannot outlast His attempts to bring us into the fullness of the life He longs to give us.
Psalm 103:8-0 "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities." Our God is so good, so faithful, so complete.
You may not be ready to move towards Him. But that's ok. He'll be there when you are. Just a suggestion...you can trust Him. He is faithful...so go ahead, take a step towards Him. He has more love, more grace, more mercy than you can imagine.
His love never and I repeat, never fails.
1 comment:
Thanks so much for sharing!
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